What is the best quality to bring to a relationship?

My all time, number one belief of what really is THE BEST quality to bring to a relationships is… drum roll please…. the ability to be able to ‘own your own stuff’!!!!  By this I mean acknowledging within any relationship that everything that happens to you is about you. This stops the blame game! It also prevents falling into the victim role and enables relationships to be authentic, conscious and non reactionary.

If this is a new concept to you, one way to start to ‘own your stuff’ is to choose what you focus on. If you find you are focusing on something negative and find that your buttons are being pushed take some time to work out why your button is being pushed. It could be that you are reacting to something that has not been healed from your past. It could be a regular pattern on the same topic that requires you to own it, explore it, change it and/or heal it.

Buttons being pushed is another expression for having emotional reactions that seem at the time to be incontrollable. They are instant gauges to you that something is hitting a raw nerve.

By taking the time to see what buttons are being pushed and by taking the time to really own these buttons as being yours, you are bringing authenticity into your relationships. You are conscious of your relationship issues and working towards a more peaceful and harmonious life together.

Any buttons being pushed are unique to you and are based on your past experiences. It is not your partner’s responsibility for your buttons. Sure, they can be considerate of your raw nerves however how you react and how you heal is your responsibility. By taking the time to heal your past and reduce the number of buttons being pushed will result in a much more peaceful, harmonious and loving relationship.

And if you need  with healing your reactions, please contact me to arrange for some coaching. Setting yourself free of automatic reactions, having the ability to own your own stuff, explore it and heal it is so very, very freeing. Go on, get onto the band wagon of true authentic freedom. Only you can do it. Decide today, once and for all to own your stuff, make the change and be exactly who you are to be. A beautiful, happy, loving, kind, fabulous, gentle, powerful and dynamic you.

Yours in love, Jane

www.janesloveshack.com.au

Ground Hog Day

Is every day the same for you? Are you single and desiring love in your life, yet every day you see the same types of people? Do you experience the same conversation only with different people? Do you have the same disappointing outcome each time you socialise? Are you repeatedly asking ‘where are all the good ones hiding?’. If this is you, then I encourage you to make a change.

All too often I hear this story. People telling me it isn’t them that is the problem but the lack of opportunities to meet suitable people. Yet when presented with suitable people, there is always something wrong with them. They don’t believe these people are suitable. They are looking for someone better. These same people would (if I gave them the chance) spend hours sharing a very well rehearsed story, the same story each time, that they are simply looking for an equal and cant find anyone they consider an equal. That this man or this woman is not their equal and that this person has …. (fill in the blank) wrong with them. This person is so attached and stuck in their victim story that I believe I will be hearing the same story from them in ten years time. Sadly I have already heard the same story told to me from the same people 3 or even 4 years apart. These people have wasted 4 years by being so attached to their victim story that they are continuing setting themself up to prove themself right. Their story protects them from having to look in the mirror and see what is truly there.

OK so it is hard to look in the mirror and identify something about yourself that is displeasing. It can be painful and very frightening owning something negative about yourself. Yet, this is one of the most important steps you can take to start to experience a different outcome. By looking in the mirror and considering what could be done differently, you are on your way to achieving what you have never achieved before.

It could be that you have unrealistic expectations of a fantasy person who does not exist. If you don’t change this thinking, you will be single forever (which is fine if this is what you want). It could be you need to deal with ageism where you find it difficult to be attracted to someone your own age and so desiring to meet a partner 15 or 20 years younger is making it extremely difficult to find happiness. Or you need to look at what you truly are bringing to the table in a potential relationship where you believe you are such a great prize that everyone should want to have you as a partner and yet the reality is you are not in demand. It could be that you are not projecting a warm connective energy that has others feeling safe in your company therefore blocking the chance of engaging with new and interesting people. It could be that you are projecting only a sexual energy that is not enabling you to have a heartfelt connection with another. It could be that you are feeling unlovable or unworthy and so you are demonstrating self sabotaging behaviour that proves you right and unlovable therefore denying you the chance to have a relationship. It could be that you are protecting your heart from being hurt again and so you are projecting out an arrogance and hardness that only attracts the game players to you and again denies you the chance to connect successfully with another. It could be your fear of failure that has you only see unsuitable partners to protect you from finding someone suitable and then having the relationship fail. It could be that you are seeing only those who you believe are beneath you socially as you desire a partner to validate your social success to the world. It could be that you are looking for a partner to make you feel complete when what is missing is you giving yourself the love you need to complete yourself as no-one will ever be able to complete you, only you complete you.

There are so many reasons to stop and look in the mirror. We all have so much to learn about our self and it is often through relationships or lack of relationships that we learn the most valuable and helpful stuff to make us happy. Start by being brave and being honest with yourself. If you cant own your own stuff then any relationship you have is going to be one that is destined to have a lot of problems in it.

Be brave, look at the person in the mirror. Own what is potentially not working for you. Take the time to reframe your thinking. Step into the now realising that the past is the past and does not need to be the future. If you change your thinking, you change your energy. If you change your energy your change how the world sees you. If you change how the world sees you, you change what is attracted to you. If you change what is attracted to you, you get a different result. Bingo! It’s no longer ground hog day.

Enjoy this day as the unique moment it is. Make the change to enable you to create the day your desire. One that is different from yesterday.

Yours in love

Jane, Social 8 Adelaide

Are you a princess in denial?

Ok I have a lot to say today. For many girls I meet desiring to have a loving partner, it is time to wake up! The princess syndrome is killing some girls chances of meeting a partner. No-one is good enough for her. Everyone she meets has something wrong with them even though they seem nice. When questioned on someone’s suitability to her, she gives reasons of, I just didn’t click with him. I want someone more warm. So she is given the chance to meet some ‘warm’ guys, but she doesn’t find them attractive. So she is given someone who is warm and attractive, but their not successful enough for her. So she is presented with someone warm, attractive, successful but he is just too nice and she wants someone with more spark.

OK this girl wants the looks of Brad Pritt, the sex appeal of George Clooney, the social network of Prince Charles and the financial means of Donald Trump. He is to be a tiger in both the board room and the bedroom. He is to cuddle her and make her soup when she is unwell. He is to understand her hormonal challenges and love and understand her on those bad days. He is to love each of her friends and family and to challenge her intellect. He must also share all her interests and hobbies with her. Hot desire must be in his eyes as he looks at her each and every moment they are together. Wake up please…. HE DOESN’T EXIST! And even if he did, I suspect he would have something wrong with him anyway (well in her eyes).

She believes she deserves so much more and isn’t going to settle for anything less. She cries herself to sleep at night because ‘the one’ hasn’t shown up. Come the morning, once more it is everyone else’s fault that she can’t find someone nice. There are just no nice guys around is her common cry! And slowly she starts to protect herself from the constant parade of unsuitables in front of her. She starts to play the blame game. It’s not me, its everyone else that’s not right. And yet, is she the looks of Angelina? Does she have the fun girl next door appeal of Cameran Diaz? Is she Mother Teresa in the compassion stakes. And does she have the sexiness of a Victoria Secret model? Of course not!

This girl is deserving not desiring. And the saddest thing of all is if she doesn’t change her thinking. She will eventually build up such a hard shell around her heart that it will be nearly impenetrable in time. She will become a brittle, angry, hard woman projection hostile and protective energy and behaviour around her that no-one will be interested in her anyway. She has become someone no-one will find attractive.

If this is you, please consider what will make you happy in a partner. Take out that 50 point check list you have on the ideal person. Yes, I know you have that list written somewhere. Now look at each point individually and ask yourself ‘will this make me happy’. Does a man who is 6′ tall make you happy? NO. If he ends up being that tall, that is a bonus. But many 5’7″ guys will make you happy. Does someone who has lots of money make you happy? No that is the bonus. What makes people happy is different for each person. Most will have 2 or 3 or maybe even 4 (princess’ will have 4) not negotiables. They are usually along the lines of MUST BE kind or generous or want children or be financially secure or truly confident in themselves or have passion for life or trustworthy or honest or have integrity or be spiritual or respect for physical health or be emotionally balanced or be intellectually stimulating or gentle or compassionate.

These are the not negotiables that should be your list. 2, 3 or 4 things. This is what will make you happy. It is time for you to negotiate your lists. If you need help being convinced to do this. Let’s start with height. So 80% of women ask for a man who is 6′ of taller. 15% of the male population are 6′ or taller. If you are asking for this and WONT negotiate your list, then the chances are that you will fall into the 65% of women who will be single for ever. Do the maths. So when you next say, I’m not settling, I sincerely hope you mean that as the chances of you being single forever are now very high. It is fine if you desire all these things, are not prepared to negotiate and are happy being single. However don’t then cry yourself to sleep if he doesn’t appear. Don’t tell me or someone else you really want a partner because your actions are saying you don’t.

Don’t be in denial. If this post is making you angry, then the chances are, you are becoming or already are a princess. So rather than get angry at me for telling you, you can’t have it all (because it doesn’t exist), get angry – just for a moment – at yourself. Own you behaviour. You cant change what you don’t own. And before I get bombarded with emails telling me, men can be like this too. Yes they can, however that is a topic for another day. Don’t blame the men. Start with you. Change you and get a different result. One that you could potentially be happy with for a long long time. Look at these lists, work out your not negotiables. Now try dating men who you wouldn’t normally date. If they are potentially demonstrating your needs (not your wants), then they are worthy of a date to explore where this could lead. Many happily married people will tell you that their partner was not the type they usually dated. When someone at Social 8 swaps numbers with someone who they wouldn’t normally do so … we get very excited. It is when you have the courage to make change, to do something different that you are most likely to get something different. At the least a new experience rather than have ground hog day happening. And at the most, finally, someone wonderful and different who is just right for you.

Take the blinkers off. Own your deserving behaviour. Get a realistic look at what will make you happy. Now go after that dating everyone who potentially meets your needs. And have fun doing it. Now you should be seeing loads of potentially suitable men for you to be dating. Date six at once (not intimately mind you!) and in amongst all this fun with loads of different types of men, you just might find ‘the one’. He will slowly grow on you are you realise he is meeting your true needs, not your external validation of your worth. This is the one to make you happy. And if he gets you and makes you happy, what more do you want? Hopefully nothing.

Being a retired princess will bring you much greater joy in your life.

Yours in love Jane (thankfully a retired princess of 16 years). Social 8, Adelaide

The ‘R’ Word

Rejection. No-one likes it, no-one wants it, yet without it how can you get closer to achieving what it is you desire. If you choose to not approach someone because of a fear of rejection from that person, you are actually rejecting yourself! And the end result is exactly the same. NOTHING! If however you approach someone and they reject you, you at least have had a terrific opportunity to look at what you did and how you did it so you can decide how to do things differently next time. You may learn that certain ways of approaching certain types of people are best done at a certain time or place or situation or ….. the learning possibilities are many just on how to approach someone. This now has been a great experience you can take with you into the future helping you to refine how you approach someone. Often we can learn more by what hasn’t worked than by what has worked. So be brave and face that fear of rejection head on. Please don’t reject yourself, go for it and see the opportunity as a learning one whether you get what you want or not. And next time, may be the time that you aren’t rejected and you get therefore what you want!

And remember, anything worth having is worth asking for!

Enjoy your day stepping through your fear asking for whatever it is your heart desires.

PS, if rejection is a real problem for you, please visit our website http://www.social8.com.au and click on audio link to download my MP3 talk on building resilience, facing rejection.

 Yours in love, Jane, Social 8 Adelaide

Be wary of someone who immediately calls you their soul-mate

‘Be wary of someone who immediately calls you their soul-mate, who comes on like a bulldozer, who makes jokes about the two of you moving in together immediately or who wants you to meet their mother before you have slept together. This is usually a recipe for a crash and burn situation’  from the book, diary of a modern day matchmaker.

It is common to hear stories like this. This is the person who loves to fall in love. Who loves the validation of having someone new in their life. Who loves the idea of being in love. Who loves the idea of having a long term relationship. They place all their energy into the initial part of the relationship and yet find disappointment soon after the initial infatuation stage has worn off.

Look for the early signs of being too intense. If you like this person, then encourage things to go slower, to take your time to get to know each other. Resist the urge to buy into the excitement of meeting someone who is really into you and tread carefully and slowly with this type of situation. You don’t want to go in heart first and find it is broken before the season is out. Keep yourself busy with the things that bring you joy into your life during this time. Don’t be too available or you may find yourself being drawn into the drama of this scenario. By keeping busy with other commitments and activities, you wont be as readily available to commit time to this person ensuring that space and time are in place to give each of you processing time. The chances are, if you don’t buy into their drama of having a full-on fast quickly committed relationship they will do one of two things. Either they will learn to take things slow and really get to know you for who you are or they will move on to find another more willing participant in their drama story.

And in the meantime, you have learnt more about how to identify a healthy potential partner and can feel confident knowing you are heading in the right direction.

Yours in love, Jane, Social 8, Adelaide

Help getting women to want to give you their phone number

It is not uncommon for women to give men their phone number to then not answer the mans call. This can stem from many women being people pleasers. A state where they are not wanting to hurt anyone’s feelings and also not wanting to be disliked in the moment. However when time passes and the expected phone call comes in, the woman may not be interested in speaking to you and she doesn’t know how to politely tell you she isn’t interested.

Sometimes the asking of a phone number can be a bit premature for women. Many women like time to process how they feel about someone before making a commitment to seeing you again. Particularly if you have met at a busy pub or club and not had a relaxed or easy way of chatting during this time.

My suggestion here for men is to take time during this initial meeting to find some common ground. Find out something you have in common such as both loving Japanese food or both enjoying playing tennis or both spending time in art galleries. As you discuss your common interest, suggest to her that you know the best Japanese restaurant and would like to take her there. Or suggest you know a great tennis court that is easy to book for weekends. Or suggest you have heard of a new exhibition opening you may enjoy both seeing. As you engage her in something that interests her, now is the time to ask for her phone number. Ask simply for her number so you can let her know about the restaurant, the tennis club or art exhibition. Then spend the next day or two researching this to find the best Japanese restaurant, the great tennis club or the newest art exhibition.

Now you have a concrete reason to call her and ask if she would like to join you at this activity. She also knows what to expect so the potential fear of the unknown is removed. She will be comfortable knowing she is in a territory of not only interest to her but will be within her comfort zone.

Be genuine in finding common ground. Don’t say you love Japanese if you have never had it or don’t like it. Don’t pretend to be an art lover if you aren’t and certainly don’t try to play tennis if you can’t. Honesty is a crucial element to most people’s selection criteria of someone they may wish to date. So take the time to find genuine common ground which will go a long way to ensuring you both feel comfortable on this first date. Something that is crucial to helping secure a second date, and a third date etc.

By finding common ground you are not simply saying to someone who you have just met, I kind of like you so can I have your number. This is a much more mature way to secure a girls number and greatly increases your chance that she will take your call when you ring.

Enjoy dating with greater connection, greater relaxation and greater fun.

Yours in love, Jane, Social 8

Building Confidence

I recently met an amazing woman. She has a brilliant, successful and very impressive career which she had studied for many years to become qualified in and had taken her career to great and enviable heights. She presented beautifully and was engaging to chat with. Upon discussing her social life, I discovered she has been attracting into her life negative and harmful social situations. Her past partners included petty criminals, violent men and weak men who were demonstrating to her unhealthy control mannerisms. She couldn’t understand why she couldn’t find a nice guy and wanted my help to change the types of people she was meeting.

It is rare for me to meet someone who has such a contrast in the type of people she socialised with in her career to those she socialised with in private. She also demonstrated different social boundaries in her working life to her private life. And while this was an extreme case, it is common to find someone’s confidence in one area of their life in abundance and another area lacking. Her personal sense of self worth was extremely low while her sense of self worth with her career was incredibly high.

I often feel there are two or even three people inside each of us. For me their is the 47 year old mature and I like to think wise Jane, while there is also the 16 year old who comes out to play at various times. It is controlling the 16 year old that is the secret to our confidence. Knowing when the 16 year can speak up and have time to be in control and when to tell the 16 year old she is to sit back and allow the 47 year old to handle this (or any other) situation.

Socially I observe many people allowing their 16 year old to run the show. The 16 year old (or substitute for whatever age you believe the voice in your head is) is the one who will often come out to play when in an environment that you don’t feel confident in. I witness 16 years olds being insecure in talking to another person at a social event and yet if the adult were in charge, that same person would be socially confident. I see the 16 year olds acting just like 16 year olds. They don’t remember that as an adult they are accomplished, successful, knowledgeable, experienced and wise people. They forget to allow the adult experiences to control the confidence levels and instead take charge with all the insecurities a 16 year old has.

Next time you are in a situation where you feel insecure, recognise this as the young you and take charge. Remind the younger you that you have a wealth of history and experience to pull on in this situation. Tell yourself you are accomplished, successful and capable of using the confidence from your other parts of your life to also achieve confidence in this more challenging situation. Pull and build your social confidence using the same set of skills you have used in your career to achieve the success you have had. It is the same set of skills needed socially. The belief in yourself. If you can achieve in one area of your life, you can achieve in other areas too. Make a list of all the positive and successful parts of your personality you have mastered in your career. It could be that you have clear boundaries, or that you are able to have a balanced conversation, or sit in neutral energy, or engage in interesting conversations, or able to assess and learn from each experience with ease, or take charge when needed, or listen well or, and most important of all, believe you are worthy of this interaction.

Socialising successfully is a skill we acquire just like any other skill. It takes practice however like most things in life, it is achievable with some effort. Ensure you are well prepared by taking the time to reinforce to yourself (and that 16 year old) that you are worthy. That you are successful and interesting and engaging and ….. fill in the blank. And that while you may initially be nervous, that you too will survive this occasion and be in the future able to draw from this experience. Remind yourself just how truly magnificent and powerful you really are. Then step forth into a social world knowing you too are worthy and capable. Enjoy!

Yours in love, Jane, Social 8 Adelaide