The ‘R’ Word

Rejection. No-one likes it, no-one wants it, yet without it how can you get closer to achieving what it is you desire. If you choose to not approach someone because of a fear of rejection from that person, you are actually rejecting yourself! And the end result is exactly the same. NOTHING! If however you approach someone and they reject you, you at least have had a terrific opportunity to look at what you did and how you did it so you can decide how to do things differently next time. You may learn that certain ways of approaching certain types of people are best done at a certain time or place or situation or ….. the learning possibilities are many just on how to approach someone. This now has been a great experience you can take with you into the future helping you to refine how you approach someone. Often we can learn more by what hasn’t worked than by what has worked. So be brave and face that fear of rejection head on. Please don’t reject yourself, go for it and see the opportunity as a learning one whether you get what you want or not. And next time, may be the time that you aren’t rejected and you get therefore what you want!

And remember, anything worth having is worth asking for!

Enjoy your day stepping through your fear asking for whatever it is your heart desires.

PS, if rejection is a real problem for you, please visit our website http://www.social8.com.au and click on audio link to download my MP3 talk on building resilience, facing rejection.

 Yours in love, Jane, Social 8 Adelaide

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Building Confidence

I recently met an amazing woman. She has a brilliant, successful and very impressive career which she had studied for many years to become qualified in and had taken her career to great and enviable heights. She presented beautifully and was engaging to chat with. Upon discussing her social life, I discovered she has been attracting into her life negative and harmful social situations. Her past partners included petty criminals, violent men and weak men who were demonstrating to her unhealthy control mannerisms. She couldn’t understand why she couldn’t find a nice guy and wanted my help to change the types of people she was meeting.

It is rare for me to meet someone who has such a contrast in the type of people she socialised with in her career to those she socialised with in private. She also demonstrated different social boundaries in her working life to her private life. And while this was an extreme case, it is common to find someone’s confidence in one area of their life in abundance and another area lacking. Her personal sense of self worth was extremely low while her sense of self worth with her career was incredibly high.

I often feel there are two or even three people inside each of us. For me their is the 47 year old mature and I like to think wise Jane, while there is also the 16 year old who comes out to play at various times. It is controlling the 16 year old that is the secret to our confidence. Knowing when the 16 year can speak up and have time to be in control and when to tell the 16 year old she is to sit back and allow the 47 year old to handle this (or any other) situation.

Socially I observe many people allowing their 16 year old to run the show. The 16 year old (or substitute for whatever age you believe the voice in your head is) is the one who will often come out to play when in an environment that you don’t feel confident in. I witness 16 years olds being insecure in talking to another person at a social event and yet if the adult were in charge, that same person would be socially confident. I see the 16 year olds acting just like 16 year olds. They don’t remember that as an adult they are accomplished, successful, knowledgeable, experienced and wise people. They forget to allow the adult experiences to control the confidence levels and instead take charge with all the insecurities a 16 year old has.

Next time you are in a situation where you feel insecure, recognise this as the young you and take charge. Remind the younger you that you have a wealth of history and experience to pull on in this situation. Tell yourself you are accomplished, successful and capable of using the confidence from your other parts of your life to also achieve confidence in this more challenging situation. Pull and build your social confidence using the same set of skills you have used in your career to achieve the success you have had. It is the same set of skills needed socially. The belief in yourself. If you can achieve in one area of your life, you can achieve in other areas too. Make a list of all the positive and successful parts of your personality you have mastered in your career. It could be that you have clear boundaries, or that you are able to have a balanced conversation, or sit in neutral energy, or engage in interesting conversations, or able to assess and learn from each experience with ease, or take charge when needed, or listen well or, and most important of all, believe you are worthy of this interaction.

Socialising successfully is a skill we acquire just like any other skill. It takes practice however like most things in life, it is achievable with some effort. Ensure you are well prepared by taking the time to reinforce to yourself (and that 16 year old) that you are worthy. That you are successful and interesting and engaging and ….. fill in the blank. And that while you may initially be nervous, that you too will survive this occasion and be in the future able to draw from this experience. Remind yourself just how truly magnificent and powerful you really are. Then step forth into a social world knowing you too are worthy and capable. Enjoy!

Yours in love, Jane, Social 8 Adelaide

Does your success depend on others?

When given an opportunity, how you view success will determine if you are successful. So often success, in ones mind, can be dependent also upon others. The hope and desire for all other factors to fall into line can create incredible pressure. And as such it can put you into a state of desire that is beyond your control. The what if’s start to creep in. The fear of others not delivering their part of the bargain. The expectation that others will do as you will and reach for their best. And so it can lead to disappointment with so many factors dependent upon your perceived success.

In any situation, we cannot control another persons input. We can hope and desire for their success however to have your success dependent upon their success is risky at best and can be soul destroying at worst. Being vulnerable to others input takes away your power. It leaves you defenceless and helpless in any given situation.

By changing how you view success will take away the dependence on others to ensure your success. You cannot control another person and so you cannot control their success. Take your situation and look at how you can alter your view of success. To quote one of the four agreements, a fabulous book by Don Miguel Ruiz, ‘Do your best’. That is all you can do and if in any given situation, you have truly done your best, then you have success.

Recently I watched a tennis match and it occurred to me that it is really a game of playing yourself. If this time you did better than last time then you have succeeded regardless of the final score. If playing this game you are struggling for some other reason, be it tiredness, unwell, injured, emotionally challenged etc, and yet you have pushed through a personal barrier to continue to play, then once again, you have success. If you have tried something new and have learnt from the experience, then again you have success. If you have faced a fear in your desire to obtain something, again, you have success.

Success is all in your mind. What is it you truly desire as success. Look at how you can empower yourself to see your success as something that is totally dependent only upon you. If you take the time, you will see that you have succeeded every single time in every situation to achieve something that you didn’t have before.

And the result of having this success every single time is a very empowered you. You will walk this world with the confidence to know you can go after any dream, desire or goal knowing that success is not only what you desire, but that it is a given.

Enjoy your successful day

Yours in love, Jane, Social 8 Adelaide

Second Chances

The old saying ‘you wont get a second chance’ is so often not accurate. When a situation arises that has an opportunity ending perhaps for some prematurely, it can appear that you have ‘blown it’. Yet time and time again, a similar opportunity presents itself giving you the opportunity to see if you have grown and how the opportunity will be taken this time. Second chances are exciting. They give a valuable opportunity to see if you can do it different, better, with more love this time around.

Facing your fear is important with second opportunities. It is a valuable time to look at what could be done better. Hopefully if enough time has past, you will have acknowledged the gift from the situation the first time so you can embrace this gift. By doing so will step you into your authentic power enabling you to be the person you perhaps wanted to be the first time around. A second opportunity is a time to look at and acknowledge how different you are today from last time. It is realising that while the opportunity may appear similar, everyone and thing involved is actually different which really means that the outcome is highly likely to be different this time around. No two situations are identical yet the desired opportunity and outcome can be the same.

By realising that each opportunity is a fresh and new opportunity and by not placing the expectation of past fears or failures onto this opportunity will help you go a long way to obtaining a different result. Hopefully one that pleases you and brings you great joy and happiness. Watch for the ego remembering the past hurt or pain from the past situation. Your ego will be quick to protect you from repeating this hurt and may attempt to sabotage your chances of success this time around. That little voice in your head or the automatic reactions that are coming from the past memory of this similar situation need to be addressed to ensure you don’t experience the same outcome.

If you find the voice in your head undermining your sense of self worth at this time write a list of how you are different now. Remind yourself of the skills and experience you have since acquired that place you in a different position in the now. Or if you find the memory of the past painful, take one final visit down memory lane to look at why it is still hurting. Search hard for the gift in the learning that perhaps you have yet to embrace. It could be that the past gift was one of neediness that now has been removed and replaced with wholeness. Or it could be one of pleasing others which has been replaced now with pleasing yourself. Or it could be one of deserving which has been replaced with desiring. Or it could be one of validation which has been replaced with completeness. There are so many gifts to be found in each and every situation. Once you embrace the learning, the gift, you are well on your way to experiencing a whole different scenario this time around.

Grab every second chance you get (yes the third and the forth chance come too) knowing that you are a different person in a different situation that is reflecting some past experience to you and giving you a welcome and valuable chance to embrace life and all it has to offer. And let’s face it, if your worst fear does play out, the fear of being hurt again or not succeeding to your expectations, learn from it, grab the gift and feel confident that a third or fourth chance will come along again. And the next time, you once again can work on growing knowing the experience is a unique one that is just for you to experience in the now.

Grow in confidence and achieve all that your heart desires.

yours in love, Jane, Social 8 Adelaide

How much does being right cost you?

Around 5 or 6 years ago I met a man who was going through a bitter divorce. Both he and his wife were hurting lots. Many hurtful words and accusations had been hurled at each other which caused each to become childlike in their desire to hurt the other more. They also both started to dig their heals in to prove the other wrong and them right.

I advised this man to look at the personal cost this potential long battle in court over the divorce settlement would cost him. At the time this man was a very financially wealthy man owning properties in Europe and Australia. He was bitter, angry, hurt and determined to not give his then wife one single cent more than he had to. I cautioned him that I could potentially see this attitude as one that would result in it being mirrored from his ex wife. This in turn would result in a very long drawn out battle in the courts that could cost him thousands of dollars. I also more importantly cautioned him that this battle could take a personal toll on his health and happiness. I felt if he stayed in the courts a long time, he would not be emotionally open to meeting someone new in his life. I also suggested that he would be forced each day to give his focus, his  attention and his thoughts and emotions to the on-going court battle which would prevent him from focusing on other more important, happy things in his life.

Sadly this man dug his heals in and now some 5 or 6 years later, he is still fighting his ex wife in the courts. He has lost not the predicted thousands of dollars but has actually lost millions of dollars. Even more sad has been the personal cost to him. He is still trying to prove himself right. His conversations are negative, bitter, angry and have a sense of hopelessness about life and he has lost 5 or 6 years of happiness, joy and opportunities to be living life differently.

Being right can be a childish desire to prove to yourself (and really no-one else) that you are worthy. There are other ways to prove this to yourself that are not as destructive. The desire for us to be happy is one of the main motivators in life. Choosing to be right or choosing to be happy is a simple choice that when you become consciously aware of, gives you the power in each moment to let go of what isn’t important to you and give you the ability to choose happiness.

What could you be choosing differently today? Do you want to be right that your boss is an idiot? Or could you let that go and make peace with your employer? Do you want to be right that your partner does less housework than you and so you argue about the unfairness each day? Or could you let this go and look at how you could get someone to come in and help you to ease your share of the duties. Do you want to be right by proving to everyone that your so called friend is really the enemy? Or could you just let it go and give your focus to the positive people around you? Do you want to be right that your child makes your life hell because they never do what you say? Or could you change this story to be one that is about how much joy your child brings to your life and how they are learning more and growing each and every day?

Look closely at what you have been determined to be right about. Ask yourself, how important is it that i am right? Could I let this go? Could I give it a new story? Could I be choosing to focus on something different? Could I imagine a different more peaceful and loving outcome? By choosing your agenda, to be right or to be happy, you shall get what you desire each and every time.

 Have a divine day

yours in love, Jane, Social 8 Adelaide

Something bugging you?

We all have moments where something bothers us more than at other times. It could be the actions of another, an old fear coming up to play, having to face the unexpected or any number of things. When something bothers you ask yourself if it is possible to detach from it. From the situation or the outcome of the fear of the future. Could you simply just let it go?

All suffering comes from attachment: “if only….he/she loved me….I had more money…i looked different….my family were another way….i had gone to school….i received more approval…..i got what i wanted.” (excerpt from Soul Lessons and Soul Purpose)

Detachment is a very powerful tool to instantly make yourself feel better. Try it simply by acknowledging the thought process you are having, then out loud say the word ‘detach’. The chances are just by saying this word you will feel a whole lot better. If the same thought process creeps in again, then repeat the action ‘detach’.

So often we are attached to things or moments or situations that we do not need to be attached to. This is a habit that has formed and can be broken. Examine if you really need to care about the situation? Could you detach from the situation? And does it feel better?

Another way to feel how attached you are to objects, situations and moments is by holding a physical object just as a rock or shoe.  Hold onto it as tightly as you can. Then let go of it. Feel the feeling of detachment? It is so freeing. Now do the same thing with your thoughts. Detach. It is freedom made so easy.

Have a divine day detaching and enjoying the resulting peace

Yours in love, Jane, Social 8 Adelaide

Women supporting women

Women can be your best friends or your worst enemy. When you feel secure with a female friend it can help make your life complete. That special girl who you can share you best and your worst with. That person who understands you and doesn’t judge you when times are challenging. Yet what about the woman who undermines your sense of self worth. The one who will use passive aggressive ways to secretly undermined your success?

Sadly recently I was involved in a situation that showed a wonderful woman to be a very insecure unloved little girl. Her manipulative behaviour deliberately caused great pain for another woman who she was posing as a ‘friend’. The damage she initially caused her so called friend was deep. Not only had she deliberately tried to sabotage her friends chances of success in love and happiness but she also caused her friend the pain of being rejected as a true friend.

Most of us as women have been on the receiving end of female aggression. Many of us have also been the perpetrator of such behaviour. So why do women do this? I believe it is the little girl inside each of us who from time to time can feel very unlovable. Who can feel very ugly (both inside and out). And who lastly can feel unworthy and fearful. When fear plays out in your imagination, it can cause all sorts of destructive behaviour. And at the end of the day, no-one wins. The perpetrator feels bad. The victim is hurt and the result are two women who are disconnected from their higher self.

To overcome the temptation to manipulate or fall into aggressive behaviour, own your feelings. If another woman is making ‘you feel less than your best’ then look at this situation and see if this is something that has occurred other times in the past. Chances are it has. When you feel threatened, or fearful or invisible or invalidated, look at what you could be telling yourself that is a different story. Perhaps you are feeling that this woman believes you are not as good as she is? Then shut down that little voice in your head that tells you this by telling yourself a different story. That you are as good as her. That it is her problem that she behaves this way and is not at all about you.

Perhaps you are feeling that she is a threat to your success. Again this is that little voice telling your that your not as good as she is. Tell yourself differently. As an adult you know deep down you are as good. That you are worthy of whatever your heart desires. Shut that voice down by simply saying the words ‘stop’. Refocus on a positive outcome and stick firmly to this new vision, this new story. Focus on the successful connection that you are desiring and give compassion to the woman who is behaving as a little child. Understand she too has her demons. Her own little voice playing out this drama. Be the one to stop this nonsense. Be the one to come from adult and show kindness and love to this little girl inside her.

By doing this you rise above the childish behaviour. It will take some discipline to master however each time you do this you will start to feel better about you. And you is all that is really important at this moment. How you feel is controlled by your thoughts. How you react or don’t react is your choice. And at the end of the day, how you feel is what brings you happiness.

Once you place yourself in this place of alignment with your higher self, you are then able to see each situation for what it is. Two women, each with little girl voices in their heads trying to be seen, trying to be heard, trying to be loved. Love yourself first. then share the love with compassion and understanding to other women around you.

Have a divine day

Yours in love,  Jane, Social 8 Adelaide