What is the best quality to bring to a relationship?

My all time, number one belief of what really is THE BEST quality to bring to a relationships is… drum roll please…. the ability to be able to ‘own your own stuff’!!!!  By this I mean acknowledging within any relationship that everything that happens to you is about you. This stops the blame game! It also prevents falling into the victim role and enables relationships to be authentic, conscious and non reactionary.

If this is a new concept to you, one way to start to ‘own your stuff’ is to choose what you focus on. If you find you are focusing on something negative and find that your buttons are being pushed take some time to work out why your button is being pushed. It could be that you are reacting to something that has not been healed from your past. It could be a regular pattern on the same topic that requires you to own it, explore it, change it and/or heal it.

Buttons being pushed is another expression for having emotional reactions that seem at the time to be incontrollable. They are instant gauges to you that something is hitting a raw nerve.

By taking the time to see what buttons are being pushed and by taking the time to really own these buttons as being yours, you are bringing authenticity into your relationships. You are conscious of your relationship issues and working towards a more peaceful and harmonious life together.

Any buttons being pushed are unique to you and are based on your past experiences. It is not your partner’s responsibility for your buttons. Sure, they can be considerate of your raw nerves however how you react and how you heal is your responsibility. By taking the time to heal your past and reduce the number of buttons being pushed will result in a much more peaceful, harmonious and loving relationship.

And if you need  with healing your reactions, please contact me to arrange for some coaching. Setting yourself free of automatic reactions, having the ability to own your own stuff, explore it and heal it is so very, very freeing. Go on, get onto the band wagon of true authentic freedom. Only you can do it. Decide today, once and for all to own your stuff, make the change and be exactly who you are to be. A beautiful, happy, loving, kind, fabulous, gentle, powerful and dynamic you.

Yours in love, Jane

www.janesloveshack.com.au

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Ground Hog Day

Is every day the same for you? Are you single and desiring love in your life, yet every day you see the same types of people? Do you experience the same conversation only with different people? Do you have the same disappointing outcome each time you socialise? Are you repeatedly asking ‘where are all the good ones hiding?’. If this is you, then I encourage you to make a change.

All too often I hear this story. People telling me it isn’t them that is the problem but the lack of opportunities to meet suitable people. Yet when presented with suitable people, there is always something wrong with them. They don’t believe these people are suitable. They are looking for someone better. These same people would (if I gave them the chance) spend hours sharing a very well rehearsed story, the same story each time, that they are simply looking for an equal and cant find anyone they consider an equal. That this man or this woman is not their equal and that this person has …. (fill in the blank) wrong with them. This person is so attached and stuck in their victim story that I believe I will be hearing the same story from them in ten years time. Sadly I have already heard the same story told to me from the same people 3 or even 4 years apart. These people have wasted 4 years by being so attached to their victim story that they are continuing setting themself up to prove themself right. Their story protects them from having to look in the mirror and see what is truly there.

OK so it is hard to look in the mirror and identify something about yourself that is displeasing. It can be painful and very frightening owning something negative about yourself. Yet, this is one of the most important steps you can take to start to experience a different outcome. By looking in the mirror and considering what could be done differently, you are on your way to achieving what you have never achieved before.

It could be that you have unrealistic expectations of a fantasy person who does not exist. If you don’t change this thinking, you will be single forever (which is fine if this is what you want). It could be you need to deal with ageism where you find it difficult to be attracted to someone your own age and so desiring to meet a partner 15 or 20 years younger is making it extremely difficult to find happiness. Or you need to look at what you truly are bringing to the table in a potential relationship where you believe you are such a great prize that everyone should want to have you as a partner and yet the reality is you are not in demand. It could be that you are not projecting a warm connective energy that has others feeling safe in your company therefore blocking the chance of engaging with new and interesting people. It could be that you are projecting only a sexual energy that is not enabling you to have a heartfelt connection with another. It could be that you are feeling unlovable or unworthy and so you are demonstrating self sabotaging behaviour that proves you right and unlovable therefore denying you the chance to have a relationship. It could be that you are protecting your heart from being hurt again and so you are projecting out an arrogance and hardness that only attracts the game players to you and again denies you the chance to connect successfully with another. It could be your fear of failure that has you only see unsuitable partners to protect you from finding someone suitable and then having the relationship fail. It could be that you are seeing only those who you believe are beneath you socially as you desire a partner to validate your social success to the world. It could be that you are looking for a partner to make you feel complete when what is missing is you giving yourself the love you need to complete yourself as no-one will ever be able to complete you, only you complete you.

There are so many reasons to stop and look in the mirror. We all have so much to learn about our self and it is often through relationships or lack of relationships that we learn the most valuable and helpful stuff to make us happy. Start by being brave and being honest with yourself. If you cant own your own stuff then any relationship you have is going to be one that is destined to have a lot of problems in it.

Be brave, look at the person in the mirror. Own what is potentially not working for you. Take the time to reframe your thinking. Step into the now realising that the past is the past and does not need to be the future. If you change your thinking, you change your energy. If you change your energy your change how the world sees you. If you change how the world sees you, you change what is attracted to you. If you change what is attracted to you, you get a different result. Bingo! It’s no longer ground hog day.

Enjoy this day as the unique moment it is. Make the change to enable you to create the day your desire. One that is different from yesterday.

Yours in love

Jane, Social 8 Adelaide

Let it go! An excerpt from Jane’s book, ‘Thoughts on love, life and all that Jazz

So someone is annoying you? Or someone is making you feel less than your best? Or someone is intimidating you? Or someone is manipulating you? Or someone is making you feel angry? Just let it go.

This simple tool can be difficult to master however when it is put into practice, really is so very freeing. What if you told your mind to let it go each time a negative thought came into your consciousness? What if you really did just let go of that thought process? By removing the awareness of that thought you are reducing the power of that person to have this emotional hold over you.

As I was reminded last night, it really is that simple. By just letting it go, you are placing yourself instantly in a happier place. Start by becoming aware of your thoughts regarding this particular person or situation. Each time you are aware of the thought, say ‘let it go’. Then focus your thoughts on something else. Preferably something that brings you joy. It could be simply the sensation of having this problem not in your mind that makes you feel free. Or it could be by focusing on a favourite person or place or situation that brings you joy. The very next time the same thought pops into your mind, do the same thing, say again to yourself ‘let it go’. Keep going until the thought is no longer popping into your mind. You may need to do it 3 or 4 times or even 20 or 30 times. It doesn’t matter how often you need to do it, with practice it will become less often. And each time, the result is instant. You will be feeling slightly better. And that’s a great very fast result.

Have a play with this tool today. Each of us is faced with negative thought processes each day so take the time to let it go. Give this tool a test and if you wish, please share with us how it went for you today.

To download instantly the book ‘Thoughts on love, life and all that jazz’, visit www.janesloveshack.com.au

 Yours in love

Jane, Social 8 Adelaide

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The ‘R’ Word

Rejection. No-one likes it, no-one wants it, yet without it how can you get closer to achieving what it is you desire. If you choose to not approach someone because of a fear of rejection from that person, you are actually rejecting yourself! And the end result is exactly the same. NOTHING! If however you approach someone and they reject you, you at least have had a terrific opportunity to look at what you did and how you did it so you can decide how to do things differently next time. You may learn that certain ways of approaching certain types of people are best done at a certain time or place or situation or ….. the learning possibilities are many just on how to approach someone. This now has been a great experience you can take with you into the future helping you to refine how you approach someone. Often we can learn more by what hasn’t worked than by what has worked. So be brave and face that fear of rejection head on. Please don’t reject yourself, go for it and see the opportunity as a learning one whether you get what you want or not. And next time, may be the time that you aren’t rejected and you get therefore what you want!

And remember, anything worth having is worth asking for!

Enjoy your day stepping through your fear asking for whatever it is your heart desires.

PS, if rejection is a real problem for you, please visit our website http://www.social8.com.au and click on audio link to download my MP3 talk on building resilience, facing rejection.

 Yours in love, Jane, Social 8 Adelaide

Be wary of someone who immediately calls you their soul-mate

‘Be wary of someone who immediately calls you their soul-mate, who comes on like a bulldozer, who makes jokes about the two of you moving in together immediately or who wants you to meet their mother before you have slept together. This is usually a recipe for a crash and burn situation’  from the book, diary of a modern day matchmaker.

It is common to hear stories like this. This is the person who loves to fall in love. Who loves the validation of having someone new in their life. Who loves the idea of being in love. Who loves the idea of having a long term relationship. They place all their energy into the initial part of the relationship and yet find disappointment soon after the initial infatuation stage has worn off.

Look for the early signs of being too intense. If you like this person, then encourage things to go slower, to take your time to get to know each other. Resist the urge to buy into the excitement of meeting someone who is really into you and tread carefully and slowly with this type of situation. You don’t want to go in heart first and find it is broken before the season is out. Keep yourself busy with the things that bring you joy into your life during this time. Don’t be too available or you may find yourself being drawn into the drama of this scenario. By keeping busy with other commitments and activities, you wont be as readily available to commit time to this person ensuring that space and time are in place to give each of you processing time. The chances are, if you don’t buy into their drama of having a full-on fast quickly committed relationship they will do one of two things. Either they will learn to take things slow and really get to know you for who you are or they will move on to find another more willing participant in their drama story.

And in the meantime, you have learnt more about how to identify a healthy potential partner and can feel confident knowing you are heading in the right direction.

Yours in love, Jane, Social 8, Adelaide

The cordial bottle

A beautiful friend of mine asked me how she could fix how messy her husband is. She is a meticulously neat and clean person and it was upsetting her every day seeing the messy way her husband lived. I asked her what annoyed her the most to which she replied, ‘he always leaves the cordial bottle out, every single day and it sets me off’.

I could identify with this as my husband has huge size 12 feet and constantly leaves his solid work boots and shoes all around the house. Most people will have one tiny habit that annoys those you live with the most. And yet this is such an easy thing to overcome. The ironic thing here is that should this person leave our lives unexpectedly, it is these silly and annoying things that will often be most missed. Ask anyone who has been widowed what they would give to have that person back and the cordial bottle left out on the bench? If my husband were to leave us, I would see his shoes lying around as a sign he was still with us. It is these funny habits that represent most, the intimate and endearing closeness we have with them.

Start to look at the quirky habits of those around you and view them as a symbol of who they are. Start to see them as the funny things that make them unique and make them close to you. Shift your thinking from, he/she is doing this to annoy me, to a better feeling thought. Perhaps one that says, ‘this is them, this is how I know and understand them. The tiny things are beautiful in their imperfection. It could be squeezing the toothpaste tube from the middle instead of the bottom. It could be leaving dishes to be done until the morning. It could be leaving wet towels on the floor or newspapers lying around all week until recycling day. It could be a million things.

Now next time your vision and focus is drawn to those habits, give thanks for them being in your life. Give thanks for having this person in your life who you love and give thanks for the opportunity to choose how you feel about this situation. Or any other situation in life. You choose your thoughts. You choose your focus. You choose your happiness. So choose what works for you. And only you can do this. You can’t change someone else. You can only change how you feel. How you think. How you behave. So choose your feelings, your thinking and your behaviour to one that brings you joy.

Oh and my friend sent me a text message a few days later saying, ‘ I am smiling at the cordial bottle’!!!!

Yours in love, Jane, Social 8, Adelaide

Help getting women to want to give you their phone number

It is not uncommon for women to give men their phone number to then not answer the mans call. This can stem from many women being people pleasers. A state where they are not wanting to hurt anyone’s feelings and also not wanting to be disliked in the moment. However when time passes and the expected phone call comes in, the woman may not be interested in speaking to you and she doesn’t know how to politely tell you she isn’t interested.

Sometimes the asking of a phone number can be a bit premature for women. Many women like time to process how they feel about someone before making a commitment to seeing you again. Particularly if you have met at a busy pub or club and not had a relaxed or easy way of chatting during this time.

My suggestion here for men is to take time during this initial meeting to find some common ground. Find out something you have in common such as both loving Japanese food or both enjoying playing tennis or both spending time in art galleries. As you discuss your common interest, suggest to her that you know the best Japanese restaurant and would like to take her there. Or suggest you know a great tennis court that is easy to book for weekends. Or suggest you have heard of a new exhibition opening you may enjoy both seeing. As you engage her in something that interests her, now is the time to ask for her phone number. Ask simply for her number so you can let her know about the restaurant, the tennis club or art exhibition. Then spend the next day or two researching this to find the best Japanese restaurant, the great tennis club or the newest art exhibition.

Now you have a concrete reason to call her and ask if she would like to join you at this activity. She also knows what to expect so the potential fear of the unknown is removed. She will be comfortable knowing she is in a territory of not only interest to her but will be within her comfort zone.

Be genuine in finding common ground. Don’t say you love Japanese if you have never had it or don’t like it. Don’t pretend to be an art lover if you aren’t and certainly don’t try to play tennis if you can’t. Honesty is a crucial element to most people’s selection criteria of someone they may wish to date. So take the time to find genuine common ground which will go a long way to ensuring you both feel comfortable on this first date. Something that is crucial to helping secure a second date, and a third date etc.

By finding common ground you are not simply saying to someone who you have just met, I kind of like you so can I have your number. This is a much more mature way to secure a girls number and greatly increases your chance that she will take your call when you ring.

Enjoy dating with greater connection, greater relaxation and greater fun.

Yours in love, Jane, Social 8