Ground Hog Day

Is every day the same for you? Are you single and desiring love in your life, yet every day you see the same types of people? Do you experience the same conversation only with different people? Do you have the same disappointing outcome each time you socialise? Are you repeatedly asking ‘where are all the good ones hiding?’. If this is you, then I encourage you to make a change.

All too often I hear this story. People telling me it isn’t them that is the problem but the lack of opportunities to meet suitable people. Yet when presented with suitable people, there is always something wrong with them. They don’t believe these people are suitable. They are looking for someone better. These same people would (if I gave them the chance) spend hours sharing a very well rehearsed story, the same story each time, that they are simply looking for an equal and cant find anyone they consider an equal. That this man or this woman is not their equal and that this person has …. (fill in the blank) wrong with them. This person is so attached and stuck in their victim story that I believe I will be hearing the same story from them in ten years time. Sadly I have already heard the same story told to me from the same people 3 or even 4 years apart. These people have wasted 4 years by being so attached to their victim story that they are continuing setting themself up to prove themself right. Their story protects them from having to look in the mirror and see what is truly there.

OK so it is hard to look in the mirror and identify something about yourself that is displeasing. It can be painful and very frightening owning something negative about yourself. Yet, this is one of the most important steps you can take to start to experience a different outcome. By looking in the mirror and considering what could be done differently, you are on your way to achieving what you have never achieved before.

It could be that you have unrealistic expectations of a fantasy person who does not exist. If you don’t change this thinking, you will be single forever (which is fine if this is what you want). It could be you need to deal with ageism where you find it difficult to be attracted to someone your own age and so desiring to meet a partner 15 or 20 years younger is making it extremely difficult to find happiness. Or you need to look at what you truly are bringing to the table in a potential relationship where you believe you are such a great prize that everyone should want to have you as a partner and yet the reality is you are not in demand. It could be that you are not projecting a warm connective energy that has others feeling safe in your company therefore blocking the chance of engaging with new and interesting people. It could be that you are projecting only a sexual energy that is not enabling you to have a heartfelt connection with another. It could be that you are feeling unlovable or unworthy and so you are demonstrating self sabotaging behaviour that proves you right and unlovable therefore denying you the chance to have a relationship. It could be that you are protecting your heart from being hurt again and so you are projecting out an arrogance and hardness that only attracts the game players to you and again denies you the chance to connect successfully with another. It could be your fear of failure that has you only see unsuitable partners to protect you from finding someone suitable and then having the relationship fail. It could be that you are seeing only those who you believe are beneath you socially as you desire a partner to validate your social success to the world. It could be that you are looking for a partner to make you feel complete when what is missing is you giving yourself the love you need to complete yourself as no-one will ever be able to complete you, only you complete you.

There are so many reasons to stop and look in the mirror. We all have so much to learn about our self and it is often through relationships or lack of relationships that we learn the most valuable and helpful stuff to make us happy. Start by being brave and being honest with yourself. If you cant own your own stuff then any relationship you have is going to be one that is destined to have a lot of problems in it.

Be brave, look at the person in the mirror. Own what is potentially not working for you. Take the time to reframe your thinking. Step into the now realising that the past is the past and does not need to be the future. If you change your thinking, you change your energy. If you change your energy your change how the world sees you. If you change how the world sees you, you change what is attracted to you. If you change what is attracted to you, you get a different result. Bingo! It’s no longer ground hog day.

Enjoy this day as the unique moment it is. Make the change to enable you to create the day your desire. One that is different from yesterday.

Yours in love

Jane, Social 8 Adelaide

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Are you a princess in denial?

Ok I have a lot to say today. For many girls I meet desiring to have a loving partner, it is time to wake up! The princess syndrome is killing some girls chances of meeting a partner. No-one is good enough for her. Everyone she meets has something wrong with them even though they seem nice. When questioned on someone’s suitability to her, she gives reasons of, I just didn’t click with him. I want someone more warm. So she is given the chance to meet some ‘warm’ guys, but she doesn’t find them attractive. So she is given someone who is warm and attractive, but their not successful enough for her. So she is presented with someone warm, attractive, successful but he is just too nice and she wants someone with more spark.

OK this girl wants the looks of Brad Pritt, the sex appeal of George Clooney, the social network of Prince Charles and the financial means of Donald Trump. He is to be a tiger in both the board room and the bedroom. He is to cuddle her and make her soup when she is unwell. He is to understand her hormonal challenges and love and understand her on those bad days. He is to love each of her friends and family and to challenge her intellect. He must also share all her interests and hobbies with her. Hot desire must be in his eyes as he looks at her each and every moment they are together. Wake up please…. HE DOESN’T EXIST! And even if he did, I suspect he would have something wrong with him anyway (well in her eyes).

She believes she deserves so much more and isn’t going to settle for anything less. She cries herself to sleep at night because ‘the one’ hasn’t shown up. Come the morning, once more it is everyone else’s fault that she can’t find someone nice. There are just no nice guys around is her common cry! And slowly she starts to protect herself from the constant parade of unsuitables in front of her. She starts to play the blame game. It’s not me, its everyone else that’s not right. And yet, is she the looks of Angelina? Does she have the fun girl next door appeal of Cameran Diaz? Is she Mother Teresa in the compassion stakes. And does she have the sexiness of a Victoria Secret model? Of course not!

This girl is deserving not desiring. And the saddest thing of all is if she doesn’t change her thinking. She will eventually build up such a hard shell around her heart that it will be nearly impenetrable in time. She will become a brittle, angry, hard woman projection hostile and protective energy and behaviour around her that no-one will be interested in her anyway. She has become someone no-one will find attractive.

If this is you, please consider what will make you happy in a partner. Take out that 50 point check list you have on the ideal person. Yes, I know you have that list written somewhere. Now look at each point individually and ask yourself ‘will this make me happy’. Does a man who is 6′ tall make you happy? NO. If he ends up being that tall, that is a bonus. But many 5’7″ guys will make you happy. Does someone who has lots of money make you happy? No that is the bonus. What makes people happy is different for each person. Most will have 2 or 3 or maybe even 4 (princess’ will have 4) not negotiables. They are usually along the lines of MUST BE kind or generous or want children or be financially secure or truly confident in themselves or have passion for life or trustworthy or honest or have integrity or be spiritual or respect for physical health or be emotionally balanced or be intellectually stimulating or gentle or compassionate.

These are the not negotiables that should be your list. 2, 3 or 4 things. This is what will make you happy. It is time for you to negotiate your lists. If you need help being convinced to do this. Let’s start with height. So 80% of women ask for a man who is 6′ of taller. 15% of the male population are 6′ or taller. If you are asking for this and WONT negotiate your list, then the chances are that you will fall into the 65% of women who will be single for ever. Do the maths. So when you next say, I’m not settling, I sincerely hope you mean that as the chances of you being single forever are now very high. It is fine if you desire all these things, are not prepared to negotiate and are happy being single. However don’t then cry yourself to sleep if he doesn’t appear. Don’t tell me or someone else you really want a partner because your actions are saying you don’t.

Don’t be in denial. If this post is making you angry, then the chances are, you are becoming or already are a princess. So rather than get angry at me for telling you, you can’t have it all (because it doesn’t exist), get angry – just for a moment – at yourself. Own you behaviour. You cant change what you don’t own. And before I get bombarded with emails telling me, men can be like this too. Yes they can, however that is a topic for another day. Don’t blame the men. Start with you. Change you and get a different result. One that you could potentially be happy with for a long long time. Look at these lists, work out your not negotiables. Now try dating men who you wouldn’t normally date. If they are potentially demonstrating your needs (not your wants), then they are worthy of a date to explore where this could lead. Many happily married people will tell you that their partner was not the type they usually dated. When someone at Social 8 swaps numbers with someone who they wouldn’t normally do so … we get very excited. It is when you have the courage to make change, to do something different that you are most likely to get something different. At the least a new experience rather than have ground hog day happening. And at the most, finally, someone wonderful and different who is just right for you.

Take the blinkers off. Own your deserving behaviour. Get a realistic look at what will make you happy. Now go after that dating everyone who potentially meets your needs. And have fun doing it. Now you should be seeing loads of potentially suitable men for you to be dating. Date six at once (not intimately mind you!) and in amongst all this fun with loads of different types of men, you just might find ‘the one’. He will slowly grow on you are you realise he is meeting your true needs, not your external validation of your worth. This is the one to make you happy. And if he gets you and makes you happy, what more do you want? Hopefully nothing.

Being a retired princess will bring you much greater joy in your life.

Yours in love Jane (thankfully a retired princess of 16 years). Social 8, Adelaide

The ‘R’ Word

Rejection. No-one likes it, no-one wants it, yet without it how can you get closer to achieving what it is you desire. If you choose to not approach someone because of a fear of rejection from that person, you are actually rejecting yourself! And the end result is exactly the same. NOTHING! If however you approach someone and they reject you, you at least have had a terrific opportunity to look at what you did and how you did it so you can decide how to do things differently next time. You may learn that certain ways of approaching certain types of people are best done at a certain time or place or situation or ….. the learning possibilities are many just on how to approach someone. This now has been a great experience you can take with you into the future helping you to refine how you approach someone. Often we can learn more by what hasn’t worked than by what has worked. So be brave and face that fear of rejection head on. Please don’t reject yourself, go for it and see the opportunity as a learning one whether you get what you want or not. And next time, may be the time that you aren’t rejected and you get therefore what you want!

And remember, anything worth having is worth asking for!

Enjoy your day stepping through your fear asking for whatever it is your heart desires.

PS, if rejection is a real problem for you, please visit our website http://www.social8.com.au and click on audio link to download my MP3 talk on building resilience, facing rejection.

 Yours in love, Jane, Social 8 Adelaide

Help getting women to want to give you their phone number

It is not uncommon for women to give men their phone number to then not answer the mans call. This can stem from many women being people pleasers. A state where they are not wanting to hurt anyone’s feelings and also not wanting to be disliked in the moment. However when time passes and the expected phone call comes in, the woman may not be interested in speaking to you and she doesn’t know how to politely tell you she isn’t interested.

Sometimes the asking of a phone number can be a bit premature for women. Many women like time to process how they feel about someone before making a commitment to seeing you again. Particularly if you have met at a busy pub or club and not had a relaxed or easy way of chatting during this time.

My suggestion here for men is to take time during this initial meeting to find some common ground. Find out something you have in common such as both loving Japanese food or both enjoying playing tennis or both spending time in art galleries. As you discuss your common interest, suggest to her that you know the best Japanese restaurant and would like to take her there. Or suggest you know a great tennis court that is easy to book for weekends. Or suggest you have heard of a new exhibition opening you may enjoy both seeing. As you engage her in something that interests her, now is the time to ask for her phone number. Ask simply for her number so you can let her know about the restaurant, the tennis club or art exhibition. Then spend the next day or two researching this to find the best Japanese restaurant, the great tennis club or the newest art exhibition.

Now you have a concrete reason to call her and ask if she would like to join you at this activity. She also knows what to expect so the potential fear of the unknown is removed. She will be comfortable knowing she is in a territory of not only interest to her but will be within her comfort zone.

Be genuine in finding common ground. Don’t say you love Japanese if you have never had it or don’t like it. Don’t pretend to be an art lover if you aren’t and certainly don’t try to play tennis if you can’t. Honesty is a crucial element to most people’s selection criteria of someone they may wish to date. So take the time to find genuine common ground which will go a long way to ensuring you both feel comfortable on this first date. Something that is crucial to helping secure a second date, and a third date etc.

By finding common ground you are not simply saying to someone who you have just met, I kind of like you so can I have your number. This is a much more mature way to secure a girls number and greatly increases your chance that she will take your call when you ring.

Enjoy dating with greater connection, greater relaxation and greater fun.

Yours in love, Jane, Social 8

Second Chances

The old saying ‘you wont get a second chance’ is so often not accurate. When a situation arises that has an opportunity ending perhaps for some prematurely, it can appear that you have ‘blown it’. Yet time and time again, a similar opportunity presents itself giving you the opportunity to see if you have grown and how the opportunity will be taken this time. Second chances are exciting. They give a valuable opportunity to see if you can do it different, better, with more love this time around.

Facing your fear is important with second opportunities. It is a valuable time to look at what could be done better. Hopefully if enough time has past, you will have acknowledged the gift from the situation the first time so you can embrace this gift. By doing so will step you into your authentic power enabling you to be the person you perhaps wanted to be the first time around. A second opportunity is a time to look at and acknowledge how different you are today from last time. It is realising that while the opportunity may appear similar, everyone and thing involved is actually different which really means that the outcome is highly likely to be different this time around. No two situations are identical yet the desired opportunity and outcome can be the same.

By realising that each opportunity is a fresh and new opportunity and by not placing the expectation of past fears or failures onto this opportunity will help you go a long way to obtaining a different result. Hopefully one that pleases you and brings you great joy and happiness. Watch for the ego remembering the past hurt or pain from the past situation. Your ego will be quick to protect you from repeating this hurt and may attempt to sabotage your chances of success this time around. That little voice in your head or the automatic reactions that are coming from the past memory of this similar situation need to be addressed to ensure you don’t experience the same outcome.

If you find the voice in your head undermining your sense of self worth at this time write a list of how you are different now. Remind yourself of the skills and experience you have since acquired that place you in a different position in the now. Or if you find the memory of the past painful, take one final visit down memory lane to look at why it is still hurting. Search hard for the gift in the learning that perhaps you have yet to embrace. It could be that the past gift was one of neediness that now has been removed and replaced with wholeness. Or it could be one of pleasing others which has been replaced now with pleasing yourself. Or it could be one of deserving which has been replaced with desiring. Or it could be one of validation which has been replaced with completeness. There are so many gifts to be found in each and every situation. Once you embrace the learning, the gift, you are well on your way to experiencing a whole different scenario this time around.

Grab every second chance you get (yes the third and the forth chance come too) knowing that you are a different person in a different situation that is reflecting some past experience to you and giving you a welcome and valuable chance to embrace life and all it has to offer. And let’s face it, if your worst fear does play out, the fear of being hurt again or not succeeding to your expectations, learn from it, grab the gift and feel confident that a third or fourth chance will come along again. And the next time, you once again can work on growing knowing the experience is a unique one that is just for you to experience in the now.

Grow in confidence and achieve all that your heart desires.

yours in love, Jane, Social 8 Adelaide

The journey of someone who has been widowed

One of the saddest and hardest journeys I see is that of the young person who has been widowed. I meet people often who have unexpectedly found themself single through the passing of a partner. Not only are they facing the grief of losing someone they dearly love, they are also left with the unexpected realisation that they are now walking their time on earth as a single person.

The thought of meeting new people without their life partner next to them is painful and difficult. The social invitations from friends often to dinners are met with that empty seat once occupied by their loved partner. And the emptiness of home life once full of co-habitation is painful and lonely. So the desire to perhaps consider meeting someone starts to be born. The desire to meet new people who will meet them as they are today and while beautiful friends are well meaning, these new potential friends wont be asking ‘how are you going’ every time they see you. So a fresh beginning seems ever so gently desirable.

And so I meet these beautiful people who have lived a much more challenging life than they had hoped for. And for these gentle souls it is baby steps. Baby steps to present themself to other single people. Baby steps to hold their energy at a social gathering without their partner. And baby steps engaging in conversations that are based in the now, not the past. So they start to leave their loved one now and this is mixed with both sadness and a tiny bit of hope for a better tomorrow. For them it is always bitter sweet.

For those in this situation, the thought of simply socialising again as a single person is enough without the visualising or thoughts of even being in the presence of someone of the opposite gender that isn’t their wife or husband. The thoughts of kissing another man or women brings them to tears. And yet the desire to connect with another, the desire to be loved physically and emotionally again, the desire to love and care for another helps those in this situation to be some of the bravest people I have ever met in this world.

It is my privilege to be helping people in this situation to attend our dinners. I understand the fear of bursting into tears upon seeing strangers at an event is real for them. At any given moment, it all could be just too much to bare and yet bare it they do. I honour those of you in this situation. You are brave and heart centred beautiful people who are so deserving of someone special coming into your life.

If you are single and potentially dating a widowed person, please give them all the love, kindness and support you can. Stay in your adult power to support them as they make this difficult transition in life. And I guarantee you, what you give them will be returned to you ten times over in kindness, warmth, and genuine appreciation.

Our loved ones never really leave us. They have the ability to be with us more than ever when they are on the other side. Yet the pain of losing physical contact is so gut wrenching. Yet the desire to engage in love is always with us. I wish those of you in this situation my heartfelt best wishes and support in your journey. May each of you find the peace and love your desire and the support and compassion from all whose paths you cross.

And to those of you with partners here in this physical world, take a moment to share your love for them right here in the now. None of us every knows what tomorrow shall bring.

Yours in love

 Jane, Social 8 Adelaide

Women supporting women

Women can be your best friends or your worst enemy. When you feel secure with a female friend it can help make your life complete. That special girl who you can share you best and your worst with. That person who understands you and doesn’t judge you when times are challenging. Yet what about the woman who undermines your sense of self worth. The one who will use passive aggressive ways to secretly undermined your success?

Sadly recently I was involved in a situation that showed a wonderful woman to be a very insecure unloved little girl. Her manipulative behaviour deliberately caused great pain for another woman who she was posing as a ‘friend’. The damage she initially caused her so called friend was deep. Not only had she deliberately tried to sabotage her friends chances of success in love and happiness but she also caused her friend the pain of being rejected as a true friend.

Most of us as women have been on the receiving end of female aggression. Many of us have also been the perpetrator of such behaviour. So why do women do this? I believe it is the little girl inside each of us who from time to time can feel very unlovable. Who can feel very ugly (both inside and out). And who lastly can feel unworthy and fearful. When fear plays out in your imagination, it can cause all sorts of destructive behaviour. And at the end of the day, no-one wins. The perpetrator feels bad. The victim is hurt and the result are two women who are disconnected from their higher self.

To overcome the temptation to manipulate or fall into aggressive behaviour, own your feelings. If another woman is making ‘you feel less than your best’ then look at this situation and see if this is something that has occurred other times in the past. Chances are it has. When you feel threatened, or fearful or invisible or invalidated, look at what you could be telling yourself that is a different story. Perhaps you are feeling that this woman believes you are not as good as she is? Then shut down that little voice in your head that tells you this by telling yourself a different story. That you are as good as her. That it is her problem that she behaves this way and is not at all about you.

Perhaps you are feeling that she is a threat to your success. Again this is that little voice telling your that your not as good as she is. Tell yourself differently. As an adult you know deep down you are as good. That you are worthy of whatever your heart desires. Shut that voice down by simply saying the words ‘stop’. Refocus on a positive outcome and stick firmly to this new vision, this new story. Focus on the successful connection that you are desiring and give compassion to the woman who is behaving as a little child. Understand she too has her demons. Her own little voice playing out this drama. Be the one to stop this nonsense. Be the one to come from adult and show kindness and love to this little girl inside her.

By doing this you rise above the childish behaviour. It will take some discipline to master however each time you do this you will start to feel better about you. And you is all that is really important at this moment. How you feel is controlled by your thoughts. How you react or don’t react is your choice. And at the end of the day, how you feel is what brings you happiness.

Once you place yourself in this place of alignment with your higher self, you are then able to see each situation for what it is. Two women, each with little girl voices in their heads trying to be seen, trying to be heard, trying to be loved. Love yourself first. then share the love with compassion and understanding to other women around you.

Have a divine day

Yours in love,  Jane, Social 8 Adelaide