Ground Hog Day

Is every day the same for you? Are you single and desiring love in your life, yet every day you see the same types of people? Do you experience the same conversation only with different people? Do you have the same disappointing outcome each time you socialise? Are you repeatedly asking ‘where are all the good ones hiding?’. If this is you, then I encourage you to make a change.

All too often I hear this story. People telling me it isn’t them that is the problem but the lack of opportunities to meet suitable people. Yet when presented with suitable people, there is always something wrong with them. They don’t believe these people are suitable. They are looking for someone better. These same people would (if I gave them the chance) spend hours sharing a very well rehearsed story, the same story each time, that they are simply looking for an equal and cant find anyone they consider an equal. That this man or this woman is not their equal and that this person has …. (fill in the blank) wrong with them. This person is so attached and stuck in their victim story that I believe I will be hearing the same story from them in ten years time. Sadly I have already heard the same story told to me from the same people 3 or even 4 years apart. These people have wasted 4 years by being so attached to their victim story that they are continuing setting themself up to prove themself right. Their story protects them from having to look in the mirror and see what is truly there.

OK so it is hard to look in the mirror and identify something about yourself that is displeasing. It can be painful and very frightening owning something negative about yourself. Yet, this is one of the most important steps you can take to start to experience a different outcome. By looking in the mirror and considering what could be done differently, you are on your way to achieving what you have never achieved before.

It could be that you have unrealistic expectations of a fantasy person who does not exist. If you don’t change this thinking, you will be single forever (which is fine if this is what you want). It could be you need to deal with ageism where you find it difficult to be attracted to someone your own age and so desiring to meet a partner 15 or 20 years younger is making it extremely difficult to find happiness. Or you need to look at what you truly are bringing to the table in a potential relationship where you believe you are such a great prize that everyone should want to have you as a partner and yet the reality is you are not in demand. It could be that you are not projecting a warm connective energy that has others feeling safe in your company therefore blocking the chance of engaging with new and interesting people. It could be that you are projecting only a sexual energy that is not enabling you to have a heartfelt connection with another. It could be that you are feeling unlovable or unworthy and so you are demonstrating self sabotaging behaviour that proves you right and unlovable therefore denying you the chance to have a relationship. It could be that you are protecting your heart from being hurt again and so you are projecting out an arrogance and hardness that only attracts the game players to you and again denies you the chance to connect successfully with another. It could be your fear of failure that has you only see unsuitable partners to protect you from finding someone suitable and then having the relationship fail. It could be that you are seeing only those who you believe are beneath you socially as you desire a partner to validate your social success to the world. It could be that you are looking for a partner to make you feel complete when what is missing is you giving yourself the love you need to complete yourself as no-one will ever be able to complete you, only you complete you.

There are so many reasons to stop and look in the mirror. We all have so much to learn about our self and it is often through relationships or lack of relationships that we learn the most valuable and helpful stuff to make us happy. Start by being brave and being honest with yourself. If you cant own your own stuff then any relationship you have is going to be one that is destined to have a lot of problems in it.

Be brave, look at the person in the mirror. Own what is potentially not working for you. Take the time to reframe your thinking. Step into the now realising that the past is the past and does not need to be the future. If you change your thinking, you change your energy. If you change your energy your change how the world sees you. If you change how the world sees you, you change what is attracted to you. If you change what is attracted to you, you get a different result. Bingo! It’s no longer ground hog day.

Enjoy this day as the unique moment it is. Make the change to enable you to create the day your desire. One that is different from yesterday.

Yours in love

Jane, Social 8 Adelaide

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The ‘R’ Word

Rejection. No-one likes it, no-one wants it, yet without it how can you get closer to achieving what it is you desire. If you choose to not approach someone because of a fear of rejection from that person, you are actually rejecting yourself! And the end result is exactly the same. NOTHING! If however you approach someone and they reject you, you at least have had a terrific opportunity to look at what you did and how you did it so you can decide how to do things differently next time. You may learn that certain ways of approaching certain types of people are best done at a certain time or place or situation or ….. the learning possibilities are many just on how to approach someone. This now has been a great experience you can take with you into the future helping you to refine how you approach someone. Often we can learn more by what hasn’t worked than by what has worked. So be brave and face that fear of rejection head on. Please don’t reject yourself, go for it and see the opportunity as a learning one whether you get what you want or not. And next time, may be the time that you aren’t rejected and you get therefore what you want!

And remember, anything worth having is worth asking for!

Enjoy your day stepping through your fear asking for whatever it is your heart desires.

PS, if rejection is a real problem for you, please visit our website http://www.social8.com.au and click on audio link to download my MP3 talk on building resilience, facing rejection.

 Yours in love, Jane, Social 8 Adelaide

Building Confidence

I recently met an amazing woman. She has a brilliant, successful and very impressive career which she had studied for many years to become qualified in and had taken her career to great and enviable heights. She presented beautifully and was engaging to chat with. Upon discussing her social life, I discovered she has been attracting into her life negative and harmful social situations. Her past partners included petty criminals, violent men and weak men who were demonstrating to her unhealthy control mannerisms. She couldn’t understand why she couldn’t find a nice guy and wanted my help to change the types of people she was meeting.

It is rare for me to meet someone who has such a contrast in the type of people she socialised with in her career to those she socialised with in private. She also demonstrated different social boundaries in her working life to her private life. And while this was an extreme case, it is common to find someone’s confidence in one area of their life in abundance and another area lacking. Her personal sense of self worth was extremely low while her sense of self worth with her career was incredibly high.

I often feel there are two or even three people inside each of us. For me their is the 47 year old mature and I like to think wise Jane, while there is also the 16 year old who comes out to play at various times. It is controlling the 16 year old that is the secret to our confidence. Knowing when the 16 year can speak up and have time to be in control and when to tell the 16 year old she is to sit back and allow the 47 year old to handle this (or any other) situation.

Socially I observe many people allowing their 16 year old to run the show. The 16 year old (or substitute for whatever age you believe the voice in your head is) is the one who will often come out to play when in an environment that you don’t feel confident in. I witness 16 years olds being insecure in talking to another person at a social event and yet if the adult were in charge, that same person would be socially confident. I see the 16 year olds acting just like 16 year olds. They don’t remember that as an adult they are accomplished, successful, knowledgeable, experienced and wise people. They forget to allow the adult experiences to control the confidence levels and instead take charge with all the insecurities a 16 year old has.

Next time you are in a situation where you feel insecure, recognise this as the young you and take charge. Remind the younger you that you have a wealth of history and experience to pull on in this situation. Tell yourself you are accomplished, successful and capable of using the confidence from your other parts of your life to also achieve confidence in this more challenging situation. Pull and build your social confidence using the same set of skills you have used in your career to achieve the success you have had. It is the same set of skills needed socially. The belief in yourself. If you can achieve in one area of your life, you can achieve in other areas too. Make a list of all the positive and successful parts of your personality you have mastered in your career. It could be that you have clear boundaries, or that you are able to have a balanced conversation, or sit in neutral energy, or engage in interesting conversations, or able to assess and learn from each experience with ease, or take charge when needed, or listen well or, and most important of all, believe you are worthy of this interaction.

Socialising successfully is a skill we acquire just like any other skill. It takes practice however like most things in life, it is achievable with some effort. Ensure you are well prepared by taking the time to reinforce to yourself (and that 16 year old) that you are worthy. That you are successful and interesting and engaging and ….. fill in the blank. And that while you may initially be nervous, that you too will survive this occasion and be in the future able to draw from this experience. Remind yourself just how truly magnificent and powerful you really are. Then step forth into a social world knowing you too are worthy and capable. Enjoy!

Yours in love, Jane, Social 8 Adelaide

Does your success depend on others?

When given an opportunity, how you view success will determine if you are successful. So often success, in ones mind, can be dependent also upon others. The hope and desire for all other factors to fall into line can create incredible pressure. And as such it can put you into a state of desire that is beyond your control. The what if’s start to creep in. The fear of others not delivering their part of the bargain. The expectation that others will do as you will and reach for their best. And so it can lead to disappointment with so many factors dependent upon your perceived success.

In any situation, we cannot control another persons input. We can hope and desire for their success however to have your success dependent upon their success is risky at best and can be soul destroying at worst. Being vulnerable to others input takes away your power. It leaves you defenceless and helpless in any given situation.

By changing how you view success will take away the dependence on others to ensure your success. You cannot control another person and so you cannot control their success. Take your situation and look at how you can alter your view of success. To quote one of the four agreements, a fabulous book by Don Miguel Ruiz, ‘Do your best’. That is all you can do and if in any given situation, you have truly done your best, then you have success.

Recently I watched a tennis match and it occurred to me that it is really a game of playing yourself. If this time you did better than last time then you have succeeded regardless of the final score. If playing this game you are struggling for some other reason, be it tiredness, unwell, injured, emotionally challenged etc, and yet you have pushed through a personal barrier to continue to play, then once again, you have success. If you have tried something new and have learnt from the experience, then again you have success. If you have faced a fear in your desire to obtain something, again, you have success.

Success is all in your mind. What is it you truly desire as success. Look at how you can empower yourself to see your success as something that is totally dependent only upon you. If you take the time, you will see that you have succeeded every single time in every situation to achieve something that you didn’t have before.

And the result of having this success every single time is a very empowered you. You will walk this world with the confidence to know you can go after any dream, desire or goal knowing that success is not only what you desire, but that it is a given.

Enjoy your successful day

Yours in love, Jane, Social 8 Adelaide

Something bugging you?

We all have moments where something bothers us more than at other times. It could be the actions of another, an old fear coming up to play, having to face the unexpected or any number of things. When something bothers you ask yourself if it is possible to detach from it. From the situation or the outcome of the fear of the future. Could you simply just let it go?

All suffering comes from attachment: “if only….he/she loved me….I had more money…i looked different….my family were another way….i had gone to school….i received more approval…..i got what i wanted.” (excerpt from Soul Lessons and Soul Purpose)

Detachment is a very powerful tool to instantly make yourself feel better. Try it simply by acknowledging the thought process you are having, then out loud say the word ‘detach’. The chances are just by saying this word you will feel a whole lot better. If the same thought process creeps in again, then repeat the action ‘detach’.

So often we are attached to things or moments or situations that we do not need to be attached to. This is a habit that has formed and can be broken. Examine if you really need to care about the situation? Could you detach from the situation? And does it feel better?

Another way to feel how attached you are to objects, situations and moments is by holding a physical object just as a rock or shoe.  Hold onto it as tightly as you can. Then let go of it. Feel the feeling of detachment? It is so freeing. Now do the same thing with your thoughts. Detach. It is freedom made so easy.

Have a divine day detaching and enjoying the resulting peace

Yours in love, Jane, Social 8 Adelaide

Women supporting women

Women can be your best friends or your worst enemy. When you feel secure with a female friend it can help make your life complete. That special girl who you can share you best and your worst with. That person who understands you and doesn’t judge you when times are challenging. Yet what about the woman who undermines your sense of self worth. The one who will use passive aggressive ways to secretly undermined your success?

Sadly recently I was involved in a situation that showed a wonderful woman to be a very insecure unloved little girl. Her manipulative behaviour deliberately caused great pain for another woman who she was posing as a ‘friend’. The damage she initially caused her so called friend was deep. Not only had she deliberately tried to sabotage her friends chances of success in love and happiness but she also caused her friend the pain of being rejected as a true friend.

Most of us as women have been on the receiving end of female aggression. Many of us have also been the perpetrator of such behaviour. So why do women do this? I believe it is the little girl inside each of us who from time to time can feel very unlovable. Who can feel very ugly (both inside and out). And who lastly can feel unworthy and fearful. When fear plays out in your imagination, it can cause all sorts of destructive behaviour. And at the end of the day, no-one wins. The perpetrator feels bad. The victim is hurt and the result are two women who are disconnected from their higher self.

To overcome the temptation to manipulate or fall into aggressive behaviour, own your feelings. If another woman is making ‘you feel less than your best’ then look at this situation and see if this is something that has occurred other times in the past. Chances are it has. When you feel threatened, or fearful or invisible or invalidated, look at what you could be telling yourself that is a different story. Perhaps you are feeling that this woman believes you are not as good as she is? Then shut down that little voice in your head that tells you this by telling yourself a different story. That you are as good as her. That it is her problem that she behaves this way and is not at all about you.

Perhaps you are feeling that she is a threat to your success. Again this is that little voice telling your that your not as good as she is. Tell yourself differently. As an adult you know deep down you are as good. That you are worthy of whatever your heart desires. Shut that voice down by simply saying the words ‘stop’. Refocus on a positive outcome and stick firmly to this new vision, this new story. Focus on the successful connection that you are desiring and give compassion to the woman who is behaving as a little child. Understand she too has her demons. Her own little voice playing out this drama. Be the one to stop this nonsense. Be the one to come from adult and show kindness and love to this little girl inside her.

By doing this you rise above the childish behaviour. It will take some discipline to master however each time you do this you will start to feel better about you. And you is all that is really important at this moment. How you feel is controlled by your thoughts. How you react or don’t react is your choice. And at the end of the day, how you feel is what brings you happiness.

Once you place yourself in this place of alignment with your higher self, you are then able to see each situation for what it is. Two women, each with little girl voices in their heads trying to be seen, trying to be heard, trying to be loved. Love yourself first. then share the love with compassion and understanding to other women around you.

Have a divine day

Yours in love,  Jane, Social 8 Adelaide

Building resilience to get what you want

So often I see people who are so scared of being hurt that they allow these potential feelings to stop them achieving what it is they are desiring. Building resilience and overcoming the fear of failure is a key to giving you the opportunity to go after what you are desiring.

I have recorded an MP3 downloadable audio file to give you tips on how to overcome fear of failure, together with tools to build resilience. You can listen to the MP3 here http://www.social8.com.au/videos.htm then click on the link for facing rejection and building resilience.

Have a divine day

Yours in love, Jane