Ground Hog Day

Is every day the same for you? Are you single and desiring love in your life, yet every day you see the same types of people? Do you experience the same conversation only with different people? Do you have the same disappointing outcome each time you socialise? Are you repeatedly asking ‘where are all the good ones hiding?’. If this is you, then I encourage you to make a change.

All too often I hear this story. People telling me it isn’t them that is the problem but the lack of opportunities to meet suitable people. Yet when presented with suitable people, there is always something wrong with them. They don’t believe these people are suitable. They are looking for someone better. These same people would (if I gave them the chance) spend hours sharing a very well rehearsed story, the same story each time, that they are simply looking for an equal and cant find anyone they consider an equal. That this man or this woman is not their equal and that this person has …. (fill in the blank) wrong with them. This person is so attached and stuck in their victim story that I believe I will be hearing the same story from them in ten years time. Sadly I have already heard the same story told to me from the same people 3 or even 4 years apart. These people have wasted 4 years by being so attached to their victim story that they are continuing setting themself up to prove themself right. Their story protects them from having to look in the mirror and see what is truly there.

OK so it is hard to look in the mirror and identify something about yourself that is displeasing. It can be painful and very frightening owning something negative about yourself. Yet, this is one of the most important steps you can take to start to experience a different outcome. By looking in the mirror and considering what could be done differently, you are on your way to achieving what you have never achieved before.

It could be that you have unrealistic expectations of a fantasy person who does not exist. If you don’t change this thinking, you will be single forever (which is fine if this is what you want). It could be you need to deal with ageism where you find it difficult to be attracted to someone your own age and so desiring to meet a partner 15 or 20 years younger is making it extremely difficult to find happiness. Or you need to look at what you truly are bringing to the table in a potential relationship where you believe you are such a great prize that everyone should want to have you as a partner and yet the reality is you are not in demand. It could be that you are not projecting a warm connective energy that has others feeling safe in your company therefore blocking the chance of engaging with new and interesting people. It could be that you are projecting only a sexual energy that is not enabling you to have a heartfelt connection with another. It could be that you are feeling unlovable or unworthy and so you are demonstrating self sabotaging behaviour that proves you right and unlovable therefore denying you the chance to have a relationship. It could be that you are protecting your heart from being hurt again and so you are projecting out an arrogance and hardness that only attracts the game players to you and again denies you the chance to connect successfully with another. It could be your fear of failure that has you only see unsuitable partners to protect you from finding someone suitable and then having the relationship fail. It could be that you are seeing only those who you believe are beneath you socially as you desire a partner to validate your social success to the world. It could be that you are looking for a partner to make you feel complete when what is missing is you giving yourself the love you need to complete yourself as no-one will ever be able to complete you, only you complete you.

There are so many reasons to stop and look in the mirror. We all have so much to learn about our self and it is often through relationships or lack of relationships that we learn the most valuable and helpful stuff to make us happy. Start by being brave and being honest with yourself. If you cant own your own stuff then any relationship you have is going to be one that is destined to have a lot of problems in it.

Be brave, look at the person in the mirror. Own what is potentially not working for you. Take the time to reframe your thinking. Step into the now realising that the past is the past and does not need to be the future. If you change your thinking, you change your energy. If you change your energy your change how the world sees you. If you change how the world sees you, you change what is attracted to you. If you change what is attracted to you, you get a different result. Bingo! It’s no longer ground hog day.

Enjoy this day as the unique moment it is. Make the change to enable you to create the day your desire. One that is different from yesterday.

Yours in love

Jane, Social 8 Adelaide

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The ‘R’ Word

Rejection. No-one likes it, no-one wants it, yet without it how can you get closer to achieving what it is you desire. If you choose to not approach someone because of a fear of rejection from that person, you are actually rejecting yourself! And the end result is exactly the same. NOTHING! If however you approach someone and they reject you, you at least have had a terrific opportunity to look at what you did and how you did it so you can decide how to do things differently next time. You may learn that certain ways of approaching certain types of people are best done at a certain time or place or situation or ….. the learning possibilities are many just on how to approach someone. This now has been a great experience you can take with you into the future helping you to refine how you approach someone. Often we can learn more by what hasn’t worked than by what has worked. So be brave and face that fear of rejection head on. Please don’t reject yourself, go for it and see the opportunity as a learning one whether you get what you want or not. And next time, may be the time that you aren’t rejected and you get therefore what you want!

And remember, anything worth having is worth asking for!

Enjoy your day stepping through your fear asking for whatever it is your heart desires.

PS, if rejection is a real problem for you, please visit our website http://www.social8.com.au and click on audio link to download my MP3 talk on building resilience, facing rejection.

 Yours in love, Jane, Social 8 Adelaide

The cordial bottle

A beautiful friend of mine asked me how she could fix how messy her husband is. She is a meticulously neat and clean person and it was upsetting her every day seeing the messy way her husband lived. I asked her what annoyed her the most to which she replied, ‘he always leaves the cordial bottle out, every single day and it sets me off’.

I could identify with this as my husband has huge size 12 feet and constantly leaves his solid work boots and shoes all around the house. Most people will have one tiny habit that annoys those you live with the most. And yet this is such an easy thing to overcome. The ironic thing here is that should this person leave our lives unexpectedly, it is these silly and annoying things that will often be most missed. Ask anyone who has been widowed what they would give to have that person back and the cordial bottle left out on the bench? If my husband were to leave us, I would see his shoes lying around as a sign he was still with us. It is these funny habits that represent most, the intimate and endearing closeness we have with them.

Start to look at the quirky habits of those around you and view them as a symbol of who they are. Start to see them as the funny things that make them unique and make them close to you. Shift your thinking from, he/she is doing this to annoy me, to a better feeling thought. Perhaps one that says, ‘this is them, this is how I know and understand them. The tiny things are beautiful in their imperfection. It could be squeezing the toothpaste tube from the middle instead of the bottom. It could be leaving dishes to be done until the morning. It could be leaving wet towels on the floor or newspapers lying around all week until recycling day. It could be a million things.

Now next time your vision and focus is drawn to those habits, give thanks for them being in your life. Give thanks for having this person in your life who you love and give thanks for the opportunity to choose how you feel about this situation. Or any other situation in life. You choose your thoughts. You choose your focus. You choose your happiness. So choose what works for you. And only you can do this. You can’t change someone else. You can only change how you feel. How you think. How you behave. So choose your feelings, your thinking and your behaviour to one that brings you joy.

Oh and my friend sent me a text message a few days later saying, ‘ I am smiling at the cordial bottle’!!!!

Yours in love, Jane, Social 8, Adelaide

Help getting women to want to give you their phone number

It is not uncommon for women to give men their phone number to then not answer the mans call. This can stem from many women being people pleasers. A state where they are not wanting to hurt anyone’s feelings and also not wanting to be disliked in the moment. However when time passes and the expected phone call comes in, the woman may not be interested in speaking to you and she doesn’t know how to politely tell you she isn’t interested.

Sometimes the asking of a phone number can be a bit premature for women. Many women like time to process how they feel about someone before making a commitment to seeing you again. Particularly if you have met at a busy pub or club and not had a relaxed or easy way of chatting during this time.

My suggestion here for men is to take time during this initial meeting to find some common ground. Find out something you have in common such as both loving Japanese food or both enjoying playing tennis or both spending time in art galleries. As you discuss your common interest, suggest to her that you know the best Japanese restaurant and would like to take her there. Or suggest you know a great tennis court that is easy to book for weekends. Or suggest you have heard of a new exhibition opening you may enjoy both seeing. As you engage her in something that interests her, now is the time to ask for her phone number. Ask simply for her number so you can let her know about the restaurant, the tennis club or art exhibition. Then spend the next day or two researching this to find the best Japanese restaurant, the great tennis club or the newest art exhibition.

Now you have a concrete reason to call her and ask if she would like to join you at this activity. She also knows what to expect so the potential fear of the unknown is removed. She will be comfortable knowing she is in a territory of not only interest to her but will be within her comfort zone.

Be genuine in finding common ground. Don’t say you love Japanese if you have never had it or don’t like it. Don’t pretend to be an art lover if you aren’t and certainly don’t try to play tennis if you can’t. Honesty is a crucial element to most people’s selection criteria of someone they may wish to date. So take the time to find genuine common ground which will go a long way to ensuring you both feel comfortable on this first date. Something that is crucial to helping secure a second date, and a third date etc.

By finding common ground you are not simply saying to someone who you have just met, I kind of like you so can I have your number. This is a much more mature way to secure a girls number and greatly increases your chance that she will take your call when you ring.

Enjoy dating with greater connection, greater relaxation and greater fun.

Yours in love, Jane, Social 8

Does your success depend on others?

When given an opportunity, how you view success will determine if you are successful. So often success, in ones mind, can be dependent also upon others. The hope and desire for all other factors to fall into line can create incredible pressure. And as such it can put you into a state of desire that is beyond your control. The what if’s start to creep in. The fear of others not delivering their part of the bargain. The expectation that others will do as you will and reach for their best. And so it can lead to disappointment with so many factors dependent upon your perceived success.

In any situation, we cannot control another persons input. We can hope and desire for their success however to have your success dependent upon their success is risky at best and can be soul destroying at worst. Being vulnerable to others input takes away your power. It leaves you defenceless and helpless in any given situation.

By changing how you view success will take away the dependence on others to ensure your success. You cannot control another person and so you cannot control their success. Take your situation and look at how you can alter your view of success. To quote one of the four agreements, a fabulous book by Don Miguel Ruiz, ‘Do your best’. That is all you can do and if in any given situation, you have truly done your best, then you have success.

Recently I watched a tennis match and it occurred to me that it is really a game of playing yourself. If this time you did better than last time then you have succeeded regardless of the final score. If playing this game you are struggling for some other reason, be it tiredness, unwell, injured, emotionally challenged etc, and yet you have pushed through a personal barrier to continue to play, then once again, you have success. If you have tried something new and have learnt from the experience, then again you have success. If you have faced a fear in your desire to obtain something, again, you have success.

Success is all in your mind. What is it you truly desire as success. Look at how you can empower yourself to see your success as something that is totally dependent only upon you. If you take the time, you will see that you have succeeded every single time in every situation to achieve something that you didn’t have before.

And the result of having this success every single time is a very empowered you. You will walk this world with the confidence to know you can go after any dream, desire or goal knowing that success is not only what you desire, but that it is a given.

Enjoy your successful day

Yours in love, Jane, Social 8 Adelaide

Second Chances

The old saying ‘you wont get a second chance’ is so often not accurate. When a situation arises that has an opportunity ending perhaps for some prematurely, it can appear that you have ‘blown it’. Yet time and time again, a similar opportunity presents itself giving you the opportunity to see if you have grown and how the opportunity will be taken this time. Second chances are exciting. They give a valuable opportunity to see if you can do it different, better, with more love this time around.

Facing your fear is important with second opportunities. It is a valuable time to look at what could be done better. Hopefully if enough time has past, you will have acknowledged the gift from the situation the first time so you can embrace this gift. By doing so will step you into your authentic power enabling you to be the person you perhaps wanted to be the first time around. A second opportunity is a time to look at and acknowledge how different you are today from last time. It is realising that while the opportunity may appear similar, everyone and thing involved is actually different which really means that the outcome is highly likely to be different this time around. No two situations are identical yet the desired opportunity and outcome can be the same.

By realising that each opportunity is a fresh and new opportunity and by not placing the expectation of past fears or failures onto this opportunity will help you go a long way to obtaining a different result. Hopefully one that pleases you and brings you great joy and happiness. Watch for the ego remembering the past hurt or pain from the past situation. Your ego will be quick to protect you from repeating this hurt and may attempt to sabotage your chances of success this time around. That little voice in your head or the automatic reactions that are coming from the past memory of this similar situation need to be addressed to ensure you don’t experience the same outcome.

If you find the voice in your head undermining your sense of self worth at this time write a list of how you are different now. Remind yourself of the skills and experience you have since acquired that place you in a different position in the now. Or if you find the memory of the past painful, take one final visit down memory lane to look at why it is still hurting. Search hard for the gift in the learning that perhaps you have yet to embrace. It could be that the past gift was one of neediness that now has been removed and replaced with wholeness. Or it could be one of pleasing others which has been replaced now with pleasing yourself. Or it could be one of deserving which has been replaced with desiring. Or it could be one of validation which has been replaced with completeness. There are so many gifts to be found in each and every situation. Once you embrace the learning, the gift, you are well on your way to experiencing a whole different scenario this time around.

Grab every second chance you get (yes the third and the forth chance come too) knowing that you are a different person in a different situation that is reflecting some past experience to you and giving you a welcome and valuable chance to embrace life and all it has to offer. And let’s face it, if your worst fear does play out, the fear of being hurt again or not succeeding to your expectations, learn from it, grab the gift and feel confident that a third or fourth chance will come along again. And the next time, you once again can work on growing knowing the experience is a unique one that is just for you to experience in the now.

Grow in confidence and achieve all that your heart desires.

yours in love, Jane, Social 8 Adelaide

Something bugging you?

We all have moments where something bothers us more than at other times. It could be the actions of another, an old fear coming up to play, having to face the unexpected or any number of things. When something bothers you ask yourself if it is possible to detach from it. From the situation or the outcome of the fear of the future. Could you simply just let it go?

All suffering comes from attachment: “if only….he/she loved me….I had more money…i looked different….my family were another way….i had gone to school….i received more approval…..i got what i wanted.” (excerpt from Soul Lessons and Soul Purpose)

Detachment is a very powerful tool to instantly make yourself feel better. Try it simply by acknowledging the thought process you are having, then out loud say the word ‘detach’. The chances are just by saying this word you will feel a whole lot better. If the same thought process creeps in again, then repeat the action ‘detach’.

So often we are attached to things or moments or situations that we do not need to be attached to. This is a habit that has formed and can be broken. Examine if you really need to care about the situation? Could you detach from the situation? And does it feel better?

Another way to feel how attached you are to objects, situations and moments is by holding a physical object just as a rock or shoe.  Hold onto it as tightly as you can. Then let go of it. Feel the feeling of detachment? It is so freeing. Now do the same thing with your thoughts. Detach. It is freedom made so easy.

Have a divine day detaching and enjoying the resulting peace

Yours in love, Jane, Social 8 Adelaide