Learn to say no. Don’t make commitments that are important to someone else but not important to you just because you are afraid of hurting their feelings. In doing this you will either break the commitment later, causing more hurt feelings, or keep the agreement, hurting your own feelings. It’s better to say ‘no thank you’ up front. John Roger
Here is your chance single men …. meet at least 90 single and fabulous women at Social 8’s Trivia Night. Men needed from 30 to late 60’s. Friday 22nd October, 7.30pm Arkabar Hotel. Bookings essential on 8362 6800 or email firstname.lastname@example.org. Be seated at a table within your age group. A great fun night that always results in many long term relationships.
It is not uncommon for women to give men their phone number to then not answer the mans call. This can stem from many women being people pleasers. A state where they are not wanting to hurt anyone’s feelings and also not wanting to be disliked in the moment. However when time passes and the expected phone call comes in, the woman may not be interested in speaking to you and she doesn’t know how to politely tell you she isn’t interested.
Sometimes the asking of a phone number can be a bit premature for women. Many women like time to process how they feel about someone before making a commitment to seeing you again. Particularly if you have met at a busy pub or club and not had a relaxed or easy way of chatting during this time.
My suggestion here for men is to take time during this initial meeting to find some common ground. Find out something you have in common such as both loving Japanese food or both enjoying playing tennis or both spending time in art galleries. As you discuss your common interest, suggest to her that you know the best Japanese restaurant and would like to take her there. Or suggest you know a great tennis court that is easy to book for weekends. Or suggest you have heard of a new exhibition opening you may enjoy both seeing. As you engage her in something that interests her, now is the time to ask for her phone number. Ask simply for her number so you can let her know about the restaurant, the tennis club or art exhibition. Then spend the next day or two researching this to find the best Japanese restaurant, the great tennis club or the newest art exhibition.
Now you have a concrete reason to call her and ask if she would like to join you at this activity. She also knows what to expect so the potential fear of the unknown is removed. She will be comfortable knowing she is in a territory of not only interest to her but will be within her comfort zone.
Be genuine in finding common ground. Don’t say you love Japanese if you have never had it or don’t like it. Don’t pretend to be an art lover if you aren’t and certainly don’t try to play tennis if you can’t. Honesty is a crucial element to most people’s selection criteria of someone they may wish to date. So take the time to find genuine common ground which will go a long way to ensuring you both feel comfortable on this first date. Something that is crucial to helping secure a second date, and a third date etc.
By finding common ground you are not simply saying to someone who you have just met, I kind of like you so can I have your number. This is a much more mature way to secure a girls number and greatly increases your chance that she will take your call when you ring.
Enjoy dating with greater connection, greater relaxation and greater fun.
Yours in love, Jane, Social 8
I recently met an amazing woman. She has a brilliant, successful and very impressive career which she had studied for many years to become qualified in and had taken her career to great and enviable heights. She presented beautifully and was engaging to chat with. Upon discussing her social life, I discovered she has been attracting into her life negative and harmful social situations. Her past partners included petty criminals, violent men and weak men who were demonstrating to her unhealthy control mannerisms. She couldn’t understand why she couldn’t find a nice guy and wanted my help to change the types of people she was meeting.
It is rare for me to meet someone who has such a contrast in the type of people she socialised with in her career to those she socialised with in private. She also demonstrated different social boundaries in her working life to her private life. And while this was an extreme case, it is common to find someone’s confidence in one area of their life in abundance and another area lacking. Her personal sense of self worth was extremely low while her sense of self worth with her career was incredibly high.
I often feel there are two or even three people inside each of us. For me their is the 47 year old mature and I like to think wise Jane, while there is also the 16 year old who comes out to play at various times. It is controlling the 16 year old that is the secret to our confidence. Knowing when the 16 year can speak up and have time to be in control and when to tell the 16 year old she is to sit back and allow the 47 year old to handle this (or any other) situation.
Socially I observe many people allowing their 16 year old to run the show. The 16 year old (or substitute for whatever age you believe the voice in your head is) is the one who will often come out to play when in an environment that you don’t feel confident in. I witness 16 years olds being insecure in talking to another person at a social event and yet if the adult were in charge, that same person would be socially confident. I see the 16 year olds acting just like 16 year olds. They don’t remember that as an adult they are accomplished, successful, knowledgeable, experienced and wise people. They forget to allow the adult experiences to control the confidence levels and instead take charge with all the insecurities a 16 year old has.
Next time you are in a situation where you feel insecure, recognise this as the young you and take charge. Remind the younger you that you have a wealth of history and experience to pull on in this situation. Tell yourself you are accomplished, successful and capable of using the confidence from your other parts of your life to also achieve confidence in this more challenging situation. Pull and build your social confidence using the same set of skills you have used in your career to achieve the success you have had. It is the same set of skills needed socially. The belief in yourself. If you can achieve in one area of your life, you can achieve in other areas too. Make a list of all the positive and successful parts of your personality you have mastered in your career. It could be that you have clear boundaries, or that you are able to have a balanced conversation, or sit in neutral energy, or engage in interesting conversations, or able to assess and learn from each experience with ease, or take charge when needed, or listen well or, and most important of all, believe you are worthy of this interaction.
Socialising successfully is a skill we acquire just like any other skill. It takes practice however like most things in life, it is achievable with some effort. Ensure you are well prepared by taking the time to reinforce to yourself (and that 16 year old) that you are worthy. That you are successful and interesting and engaging and ….. fill in the blank. And that while you may initially be nervous, that you too will survive this occasion and be in the future able to draw from this experience. Remind yourself just how truly magnificent and powerful you really are. Then step forth into a social world knowing you too are worthy and capable. Enjoy!
Yours in love, Jane, Social 8 Adelaide
When given an opportunity, how you view success will determine if you are successful. So often success, in ones mind, can be dependent also upon others. The hope and desire for all other factors to fall into line can create incredible pressure. And as such it can put you into a state of desire that is beyond your control. The what if’s start to creep in. The fear of others not delivering their part of the bargain. The expectation that others will do as you will and reach for their best. And so it can lead to disappointment with so many factors dependent upon your perceived success.
In any situation, we cannot control another persons input. We can hope and desire for their success however to have your success dependent upon their success is risky at best and can be soul destroying at worst. Being vulnerable to others input takes away your power. It leaves you defenceless and helpless in any given situation.
By changing how you view success will take away the dependence on others to ensure your success. You cannot control another person and so you cannot control their success. Take your situation and look at how you can alter your view of success. To quote one of the four agreements, a fabulous book by Don Miguel Ruiz, ‘Do your best’. That is all you can do and if in any given situation, you have truly done your best, then you have success.
Recently I watched a tennis match and it occurred to me that it is really a game of playing yourself. If this time you did better than last time then you have succeeded regardless of the final score. If playing this game you are struggling for some other reason, be it tiredness, unwell, injured, emotionally challenged etc, and yet you have pushed through a personal barrier to continue to play, then once again, you have success. If you have tried something new and have learnt from the experience, then again you have success. If you have faced a fear in your desire to obtain something, again, you have success.
Success is all in your mind. What is it you truly desire as success. Look at how you can empower yourself to see your success as something that is totally dependent only upon you. If you take the time, you will see that you have succeeded every single time in every situation to achieve something that you didn’t have before.
And the result of having this success every single time is a very empowered you. You will walk this world with the confidence to know you can go after any dream, desire or goal knowing that success is not only what you desire, but that it is a given.
Enjoy your successful day
Yours in love, Jane, Social 8 Adelaide
The old saying ‘you wont get a second chance’ is so often not accurate. When a situation arises that has an opportunity ending perhaps for some prematurely, it can appear that you have ‘blown it’. Yet time and time again, a similar opportunity presents itself giving you the opportunity to see if you have grown and how the opportunity will be taken this time. Second chances are exciting. They give a valuable opportunity to see if you can do it different, better, with more love this time around.
Facing your fear is important with second opportunities. It is a valuable time to look at what could be done better. Hopefully if enough time has past, you will have acknowledged the gift from the situation the first time so you can embrace this gift. By doing so will step you into your authentic power enabling you to be the person you perhaps wanted to be the first time around. A second opportunity is a time to look at and acknowledge how different you are today from last time. It is realising that while the opportunity may appear similar, everyone and thing involved is actually different which really means that the outcome is highly likely to be different this time around. No two situations are identical yet the desired opportunity and outcome can be the same.
By realising that each opportunity is a fresh and new opportunity and by not placing the expectation of past fears or failures onto this opportunity will help you go a long way to obtaining a different result. Hopefully one that pleases you and brings you great joy and happiness. Watch for the ego remembering the past hurt or pain from the past situation. Your ego will be quick to protect you from repeating this hurt and may attempt to sabotage your chances of success this time around. That little voice in your head or the automatic reactions that are coming from the past memory of this similar situation need to be addressed to ensure you don’t experience the same outcome.
If you find the voice in your head undermining your sense of self worth at this time write a list of how you are different now. Remind yourself of the skills and experience you have since acquired that place you in a different position in the now. Or if you find the memory of the past painful, take one final visit down memory lane to look at why it is still hurting. Search hard for the gift in the learning that perhaps you have yet to embrace. It could be that the past gift was one of neediness that now has been removed and replaced with wholeness. Or it could be one of pleasing others which has been replaced now with pleasing yourself. Or it could be one of deserving which has been replaced with desiring. Or it could be one of validation which has been replaced with completeness. There are so many gifts to be found in each and every situation. Once you embrace the learning, the gift, you are well on your way to experiencing a whole different scenario this time around.
Grab every second chance you get (yes the third and the forth chance come too) knowing that you are a different person in a different situation that is reflecting some past experience to you and giving you a welcome and valuable chance to embrace life and all it has to offer. And let’s face it, if your worst fear does play out, the fear of being hurt again or not succeeding to your expectations, learn from it, grab the gift and feel confident that a third or fourth chance will come along again. And the next time, you once again can work on growing knowing the experience is a unique one that is just for you to experience in the now.
Grow in confidence and achieve all that your heart desires.
yours in love, Jane, Social 8 Adelaide
Around 5 or 6 years ago I met a man who was going through a bitter divorce. Both he and his wife were hurting lots. Many hurtful words and accusations had been hurled at each other which caused each to become childlike in their desire to hurt the other more. They also both started to dig their heals in to prove the other wrong and them right.
I advised this man to look at the personal cost this potential long battle in court over the divorce settlement would cost him. At the time this man was a very financially wealthy man owning properties in Europe and Australia. He was bitter, angry, hurt and determined to not give his then wife one single cent more than he had to. I cautioned him that I could potentially see this attitude as one that would result in it being mirrored from his ex wife. This in turn would result in a very long drawn out battle in the courts that could cost him thousands of dollars. I also more importantly cautioned him that this battle could take a personal toll on his health and happiness. I felt if he stayed in the courts a long time, he would not be emotionally open to meeting someone new in his life. I also suggested that he would be forced each day to give his focus, his attention and his thoughts and emotions to the on-going court battle which would prevent him from focusing on other more important, happy things in his life.
Sadly this man dug his heals in and now some 5 or 6 years later, he is still fighting his ex wife in the courts. He has lost not the predicted thousands of dollars but has actually lost millions of dollars. Even more sad has been the personal cost to him. He is still trying to prove himself right. His conversations are negative, bitter, angry and have a sense of hopelessness about life and he has lost 5 or 6 years of happiness, joy and opportunities to be living life differently.
Being right can be a childish desire to prove to yourself (and really no-one else) that you are worthy. There are other ways to prove this to yourself that are not as destructive. The desire for us to be happy is one of the main motivators in life. Choosing to be right or choosing to be happy is a simple choice that when you become consciously aware of, gives you the power in each moment to let go of what isn’t important to you and give you the ability to choose happiness.
What could you be choosing differently today? Do you want to be right that your boss is an idiot? Or could you let that go and make peace with your employer? Do you want to be right that your partner does less housework than you and so you argue about the unfairness each day? Or could you let this go and look at how you could get someone to come in and help you to ease your share of the duties. Do you want to be right by proving to everyone that your so called friend is really the enemy? Or could you just let it go and give your focus to the positive people around you? Do you want to be right that your child makes your life hell because they never do what you say? Or could you change this story to be one that is about how much joy your child brings to your life and how they are learning more and growing each and every day?
Look closely at what you have been determined to be right about. Ask yourself, how important is it that i am right? Could I let this go? Could I give it a new story? Could I be choosing to focus on something different? Could I imagine a different more peaceful and loving outcome? By choosing your agenda, to be right or to be happy, you shall get what you desire each and every time.
Have a divine day
yours in love, Jane, Social 8 Adelaide