Are you a princess in denial?

Ok I have a lot to say today. For many girls I meet desiring to have a loving partner, it is time to wake up! The princess syndrome is killing some girls chances of meeting a partner. No-one is good enough for her. Everyone she meets has something wrong with them even though they seem nice. When questioned on someone’s suitability to her, she gives reasons of, I just didn’t click with him. I want someone more warm. So she is given the chance to meet some ‘warm’ guys, but she doesn’t find them attractive. So she is given someone who is warm and attractive, but their not successful enough for her. So she is presented with someone warm, attractive, successful but he is just too nice and she wants someone with more spark.

OK this girl wants the looks of Brad Pritt, the sex appeal of George Clooney, the social network of Prince Charles and the financial means of Donald Trump. He is to be a tiger in both the board room and the bedroom. He is to cuddle her and make her soup when she is unwell. He is to understand her hormonal challenges and love and understand her on those bad days. He is to love each of her friends and family and to challenge her intellect. He must also share all her interests and hobbies with her. Hot desire must be in his eyes as he looks at her each and every moment they are together. Wake up please…. HE DOESN’T EXIST! And even if he did, I suspect he would have something wrong with him anyway (well in her eyes).

She believes she deserves so much more and isn’t going to settle for anything less. She cries herself to sleep at night because ‘the one’ hasn’t shown up. Come the morning, once more it is everyone else’s fault that she can’t find someone nice. There are just no nice guys around is her common cry! And slowly she starts to protect herself from the constant parade of unsuitables in front of her. She starts to play the blame game. It’s not me, its everyone else that’s not right. And yet, is she the looks of Angelina? Does she have the fun girl next door appeal of Cameran Diaz? Is she Mother Teresa in the compassion stakes. And does she have the sexiness of a Victoria Secret model? Of course not!

This girl is deserving not desiring. And the saddest thing of all is if she doesn’t change her thinking. She will eventually build up such a hard shell around her heart that it will be nearly impenetrable in time. She will become a brittle, angry, hard woman projection hostile and protective energy and behaviour around her that no-one will be interested in her anyway. She has become someone no-one will find attractive.

If this is you, please consider what will make you happy in a partner. Take out that 50 point check list you have on the ideal person. Yes, I know you have that list written somewhere. Now look at each point individually and ask yourself ‘will this make me happy’. Does a man who is 6′ tall make you happy? NO. If he ends up being that tall, that is a bonus. But many 5’7″ guys will make you happy. Does someone who has lots of money make you happy? No that is the bonus. What makes people happy is different for each person. Most will have 2 or 3 or maybe even 4 (princess’ will have 4) not negotiables. They are usually along the lines of MUST BE kind or generous or want children or be financially secure or truly confident in themselves or have passion for life or trustworthy or honest or have integrity or be spiritual or respect for physical health or be emotionally balanced or be intellectually stimulating or gentle or compassionate.

These are the not negotiables that should be your list. 2, 3 or 4 things. This is what will make you happy. It is time for you to negotiate your lists. If you need help being convinced to do this. Let’s start with height. So 80% of women ask for a man who is 6′ of taller. 15% of the male population are 6′ or taller. If you are asking for this and WONT negotiate your list, then the chances are that you will fall into the 65% of women who will be single for ever. Do the maths. So when you next say, I’m not settling, I sincerely hope you mean that as the chances of you being single forever are now very high. It is fine if you desire all these things, are not prepared to negotiate and are happy being single. However don’t then cry yourself to sleep if he doesn’t appear. Don’t tell me or someone else you really want a partner because your actions are saying you don’t.

Don’t be in denial. If this post is making you angry, then the chances are, you are becoming or already are a princess. So rather than get angry at me for telling you, you can’t have it all (because it doesn’t exist), get angry – just for a moment – at yourself. Own you behaviour. You cant change what you don’t own. And before I get bombarded with emails telling me, men can be like this too. Yes they can, however that is a topic for another day. Don’t blame the men. Start with you. Change you and get a different result. One that you could potentially be happy with for a long long time. Look at these lists, work out your not negotiables. Now try dating men who you wouldn’t normally date. If they are potentially demonstrating your needs (not your wants), then they are worthy of a date to explore where this could lead. Many happily married people will tell you that their partner was not the type they usually dated. When someone at Social 8 swaps numbers with someone who they wouldn’t normally do so … we get very excited. It is when you have the courage to make change, to do something different that you are most likely to get something different. At the least a new experience rather than have ground hog day happening. And at the most, finally, someone wonderful and different who is just right for you.

Take the blinkers off. Own your deserving behaviour. Get a realistic look at what will make you happy. Now go after that dating everyone who potentially meets your needs. And have fun doing it. Now you should be seeing loads of potentially suitable men for you to be dating. Date six at once (not intimately mind you!) and in amongst all this fun with loads of different types of men, you just might find ‘the one’. He will slowly grow on you are you realise he is meeting your true needs, not your external validation of your worth. This is the one to make you happy. And if he gets you and makes you happy, what more do you want? Hopefully nothing.

Being a retired princess will bring you much greater joy in your life.

Yours in love Jane (thankfully a retired princess of 16 years). Social 8, Adelaide

The ‘R’ Word

Rejection. No-one likes it, no-one wants it, yet without it how can you get closer to achieving what it is you desire. If you choose to not approach someone because of a fear of rejection from that person, you are actually rejecting yourself! And the end result is exactly the same. NOTHING! If however you approach someone and they reject you, you at least have had a terrific opportunity to look at what you did and how you did it so you can decide how to do things differently next time. You may learn that certain ways of approaching certain types of people are best done at a certain time or place or situation or ….. the learning possibilities are many just on how to approach someone. This now has been a great experience you can take with you into the future helping you to refine how you approach someone. Often we can learn more by what hasn’t worked than by what has worked. So be brave and face that fear of rejection head on. Please don’t reject yourself, go for it and see the opportunity as a learning one whether you get what you want or not. And next time, may be the time that you aren’t rejected and you get therefore what you want!

And remember, anything worth having is worth asking for!

Enjoy your day stepping through your fear asking for whatever it is your heart desires.

PS, if rejection is a real problem for you, please visit our website http://www.social8.com.au and click on audio link to download my MP3 talk on building resilience, facing rejection.

 Yours in love, Jane, Social 8 Adelaide

Is procrastination stopping you from gaining what your heart desires?

Is procrastination stopping you from gaining what your heart desires? Ask yourself what is your fear. Whats are you scared of happening? Fear is False Emotion Appearing Real. Fear is fantasy. It hasn’t happened. Face your fears and move through them. It is better to have failed from trying than to have never tried.

Be wary of someone who immediately calls you their soul-mate

‘Be wary of someone who immediately calls you their soul-mate, who comes on like a bulldozer, who makes jokes about the two of you moving in together immediately or who wants you to meet their mother before you have slept together. This is usually a recipe for a crash and burn situation’  from the book, diary of a modern day matchmaker.

It is common to hear stories like this. This is the person who loves to fall in love. Who loves the validation of having someone new in their life. Who loves the idea of being in love. Who loves the idea of having a long term relationship. They place all their energy into the initial part of the relationship and yet find disappointment soon after the initial infatuation stage has worn off.

Look for the early signs of being too intense. If you like this person, then encourage things to go slower, to take your time to get to know each other. Resist the urge to buy into the excitement of meeting someone who is really into you and tread carefully and slowly with this type of situation. You don’t want to go in heart first and find it is broken before the season is out. Keep yourself busy with the things that bring you joy into your life during this time. Don’t be too available or you may find yourself being drawn into the drama of this scenario. By keeping busy with other commitments and activities, you wont be as readily available to commit time to this person ensuring that space and time are in place to give each of you processing time. The chances are, if you don’t buy into their drama of having a full-on fast quickly committed relationship they will do one of two things. Either they will learn to take things slow and really get to know you for who you are or they will move on to find another more willing participant in their drama story.

And in the meantime, you have learnt more about how to identify a healthy potential partner and can feel confident knowing you are heading in the right direction.

Yours in love, Jane, Social 8, Adelaide

The cordial bottle

A beautiful friend of mine asked me how she could fix how messy her husband is. She is a meticulously neat and clean person and it was upsetting her every day seeing the messy way her husband lived. I asked her what annoyed her the most to which she replied, ‘he always leaves the cordial bottle out, every single day and it sets me off’.

I could identify with this as my husband has huge size 12 feet and constantly leaves his solid work boots and shoes all around the house. Most people will have one tiny habit that annoys those you live with the most. And yet this is such an easy thing to overcome. The ironic thing here is that should this person leave our lives unexpectedly, it is these silly and annoying things that will often be most missed. Ask anyone who has been widowed what they would give to have that person back and the cordial bottle left out on the bench? If my husband were to leave us, I would see his shoes lying around as a sign he was still with us. It is these funny habits that represent most, the intimate and endearing closeness we have with them.

Start to look at the quirky habits of those around you and view them as a symbol of who they are. Start to see them as the funny things that make them unique and make them close to you. Shift your thinking from, he/she is doing this to annoy me, to a better feeling thought. Perhaps one that says, ‘this is them, this is how I know and understand them. The tiny things are beautiful in their imperfection. It could be squeezing the toothpaste tube from the middle instead of the bottom. It could be leaving dishes to be done until the morning. It could be leaving wet towels on the floor or newspapers lying around all week until recycling day. It could be a million things.

Now next time your vision and focus is drawn to those habits, give thanks for them being in your life. Give thanks for having this person in your life who you love and give thanks for the opportunity to choose how you feel about this situation. Or any other situation in life. You choose your thoughts. You choose your focus. You choose your happiness. So choose what works for you. And only you can do this. You can’t change someone else. You can only change how you feel. How you think. How you behave. So choose your feelings, your thinking and your behaviour to one that brings you joy.

Oh and my friend sent me a text message a few days later saying, ‘ I am smiling at the cordial bottle’!!!!

Yours in love, Jane, Social 8, Adelaide

How not to be rude and how to deal with someone who is

Rude people can have a difficult time in life. They often don’t really feel they are being rude. For many reasons, they will feel it is their job to teach others what is wrong with them. While it may be difficult to understand, rude people can actually be trying to help….as misguided as it is. These people often have a genuine lack of empathy or burning need for attention and as a result, their behaviour can impact negatively on others. If you find that you are making a joke and you are the only one laughing, then that is a clue that it is hurting other peoples feelings. If you must joke, do so at your own expense, not at someone elses and recognise that sarcasm is the lowest form of humour. If you find that you interupt conversations constantly because your are bored with what is being spoken about or you feel what you have to say is more important than what is being said, then this is a clue that you are possible being rude.

Dr Phil had this to say to help learn how to not be rude.

Ask yourself seriously if you are rude. Go deep and ask yourself if you say whatever you feel like with no concern for others.

Develop empathy (ask yourself, what is the impact going to be on the other person).

Engage in a way that protects/enhances self-esteem

Find better ways to be assertive (assertiveness is protecting your right, being aggressive is protecting your rights and stepping on someone else’s rights).

It comes down to gaining empathy, warmth and genuineness. Genuineness is telling your truth with empathy and warmth.

When you leave they feel better about themselves than when you got there

If you are someone who is rude, try to put yourself in someone else’ position. Look around you, observe what is really going on to gain empathy.  Ask yourself what is a way that you could speak your truth that does help instead of demeaning someone. And then practice, practice, practice.

So what if you are someone who as to deal with someone who is rude?

Make a decision to not react. If someone is being rude or bullying, deal with them one on one. Look them in the eye, be it a friend, co-worker, family member etc and use their name and state …. insert name…  it is not ok doing what you are doing. Don’t be confronting, however do stand up for yourself and disengage from the conversation. It is important that you do not reward this behaviour with your reaction.

Have a divine day

Yours in love, Jane, Social 8 Adelaide