when to phone

If you ask and get someone’s phone number, call them within 48 hours. And if you have given your number out, take their call. If you don’t wish them to contact you, learn to say no with kindness and compassion. Learn to speak your truth.

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Is procrastination stopping you from gaining what your heart desires?

Is procrastination stopping you from gaining what your heart desires? Ask yourself what is your fear. Whats are you scared of happening? Fear is False Emotion Appearing Real. Fear is fantasy. It hasn’t happened. Face your fears and move through them. It is better to have failed from trying than to have never tried.

Be wary of someone who immediately calls you their soul-mate

‘Be wary of someone who immediately calls you their soul-mate, who comes on like a bulldozer, who makes jokes about the two of you moving in together immediately or who wants you to meet their mother before you have slept together. This is usually a recipe for a crash and burn situation’  from the book, diary of a modern day matchmaker.

It is common to hear stories like this. This is the person who loves to fall in love. Who loves the validation of having someone new in their life. Who loves the idea of being in love. Who loves the idea of having a long term relationship. They place all their energy into the initial part of the relationship and yet find disappointment soon after the initial infatuation stage has worn off.

Look for the early signs of being too intense. If you like this person, then encourage things to go slower, to take your time to get to know each other. Resist the urge to buy into the excitement of meeting someone who is really into you and tread carefully and slowly with this type of situation. You don’t want to go in heart first and find it is broken before the season is out. Keep yourself busy with the things that bring you joy into your life during this time. Don’t be too available or you may find yourself being drawn into the drama of this scenario. By keeping busy with other commitments and activities, you wont be as readily available to commit time to this person ensuring that space and time are in place to give each of you processing time. The chances are, if you don’t buy into their drama of having a full-on fast quickly committed relationship they will do one of two things. Either they will learn to take things slow and really get to know you for who you are or they will move on to find another more willing participant in their drama story.

And in the meantime, you have learnt more about how to identify a healthy potential partner and can feel confident knowing you are heading in the right direction.

Yours in love, Jane, Social 8, Adelaide

The cordial bottle

A beautiful friend of mine asked me how she could fix how messy her husband is. She is a meticulously neat and clean person and it was upsetting her every day seeing the messy way her husband lived. I asked her what annoyed her the most to which she replied, ‘he always leaves the cordial bottle out, every single day and it sets me off’.

I could identify with this as my husband has huge size 12 feet and constantly leaves his solid work boots and shoes all around the house. Most people will have one tiny habit that annoys those you live with the most. And yet this is such an easy thing to overcome. The ironic thing here is that should this person leave our lives unexpectedly, it is these silly and annoying things that will often be most missed. Ask anyone who has been widowed what they would give to have that person back and the cordial bottle left out on the bench? If my husband were to leave us, I would see his shoes lying around as a sign he was still with us. It is these funny habits that represent most, the intimate and endearing closeness we have with them.

Start to look at the quirky habits of those around you and view them as a symbol of who they are. Start to see them as the funny things that make them unique and make them close to you. Shift your thinking from, he/she is doing this to annoy me, to a better feeling thought. Perhaps one that says, ‘this is them, this is how I know and understand them. The tiny things are beautiful in their imperfection. It could be squeezing the toothpaste tube from the middle instead of the bottom. It could be leaving dishes to be done until the morning. It could be leaving wet towels on the floor or newspapers lying around all week until recycling day. It could be a million things.

Now next time your vision and focus is drawn to those habits, give thanks for them being in your life. Give thanks for having this person in your life who you love and give thanks for the opportunity to choose how you feel about this situation. Or any other situation in life. You choose your thoughts. You choose your focus. You choose your happiness. So choose what works for you. And only you can do this. You can’t change someone else. You can only change how you feel. How you think. How you behave. So choose your feelings, your thinking and your behaviour to one that brings you joy.

Oh and my friend sent me a text message a few days later saying, ‘ I am smiling at the cordial bottle’!!!!

Yours in love, Jane, Social 8, Adelaide

How not to be rude and how to deal with someone who is

Rude people can have a difficult time in life. They often don’t really feel they are being rude. For many reasons, they will feel it is their job to teach others what is wrong with them. While it may be difficult to understand, rude people can actually be trying to help….as misguided as it is. These people often have a genuine lack of empathy or burning need for attention and as a result, their behaviour can impact negatively on others. If you find that you are making a joke and you are the only one laughing, then that is a clue that it is hurting other peoples feelings. If you must joke, do so at your own expense, not at someone elses and recognise that sarcasm is the lowest form of humour. If you find that you interupt conversations constantly because your are bored with what is being spoken about or you feel what you have to say is more important than what is being said, then this is a clue that you are possible being rude.

Dr Phil had this to say to help learn how to not be rude.

Ask yourself seriously if you are rude. Go deep and ask yourself if you say whatever you feel like with no concern for others.

Develop empathy (ask yourself, what is the impact going to be on the other person).

Engage in a way that protects/enhances self-esteem

Find better ways to be assertive (assertiveness is protecting your right, being aggressive is protecting your rights and stepping on someone else’s rights).

It comes down to gaining empathy, warmth and genuineness. Genuineness is telling your truth with empathy and warmth.

When you leave they feel better about themselves than when you got there

If you are someone who is rude, try to put yourself in someone else’ position. Look around you, observe what is really going on to gain empathy.  Ask yourself what is a way that you could speak your truth that does help instead of demeaning someone. And then practice, practice, practice.

So what if you are someone who as to deal with someone who is rude?

Make a decision to not react. If someone is being rude or bullying, deal with them one on one. Look them in the eye, be it a friend, co-worker, family member etc and use their name and state …. insert name…  it is not ok doing what you are doing. Don’t be confronting, however do stand up for yourself and disengage from the conversation. It is important that you do not reward this behaviour with your reaction.

Have a divine day

Yours in love, Jane, Social 8 Adelaide

Learn to say no

Learn to say no. Don’t make commitments that are important to someone else but not important to you just because you are afraid of hurting their feelings. In doing this you will either break the commitment later, causing more hurt feelings, or keep the agreement, hurting your own feelings. It’s better to say ‘no thank you’ up front. John Roger

Here is your chance single men!

Here is your chance single men …. meet at least 90 single and fabulous women at Social 8’s Trivia Night. Men needed from 30 to late 60’s. Friday 22nd October, 7.30pm Arkabar Hotel. Bookings essential on 8362 6800 or email social8@social8.com.au. Be seated at a table within your age group. A great fun night that always results in many long term relationships.