Dating tips

Here are some dating tips I have shared with clients in the last few days. I hope you find them useful!

Create healthy boundaries for yourself. If you are newly single after a long term relationship, put the brakes on having intimate relationships. Recognise you are vulnerable at this time to receiving love from the first person you meet who most likely will not be a healthy choice for a long term successful relationship…. Instead give yourself permission to have fun without vulnerability. Date all who you desire however dont step into intimacy too soon.

To conquer a fear is the beginning of wisdom. Fear is felt often in relationships and when dating. Face your fears, confront them, tackle them, conquer them and reap the rewards!
‎’People lie on average three times in the first ten minutes when trying to get to know each other’. Dr. Phil. If you want an honest partner, be honest. Be impeccable with your word always

Are you screening potential dates so harshly that no-one can get to you? Be clever in your screening. Screen only those who don’t demonstrate the true qualities you are desiring. And if they do demonstrate them, then give them a chance

When newly single, it is great to get out and start to socialise again, however be cautious of dating too soon. Many fall into another long term relationship soon after ending the last one and often with someone who is the complete opposite of their past partner. This is the cleansing relationship.

If you desire a special partner in your life, make the space for them to come into it. Being busy, busy, busy, can easily put off a potential new partner by believing you won’t have time for them.

Dating someone new? A few tips: stay on neutral topics (no sex, politics, religion, money & exes). Men: keep it light, fun, cheeky even. Don’t go serious to impress her. Fun WILL work for you! Women: Go for warmth, warmth, warmth, he knows you’re smart & successful so don’t prove it to them. Let down that hard protecti…ve coating. Stop protecting yourself through this hard layer which is impenetrable for men.HAVE FUN

There are no guarantees in relationships. If you have met someone terrific and in the early stages of dating, don’t seek a reassurance of the future from this person, no matter how into them you are. Enjoy it for what it is for now, one step at a time!

Enjoy your day today bringing into your life that which your heart desires.
Yours in love,
Jane, Social 8 Adelaide

Ground Hog Day

Is every day the same for you? Are you single and desiring love in your life, yet every day you see the same types of people? Do you experience the same conversation only with different people? Do you have the same disappointing outcome each time you socialise? Are you repeatedly asking ‘where are all the good ones hiding?’. If this is you, then I encourage you to make a change.

All too often I hear this story. People telling me it isn’t them that is the problem but the lack of opportunities to meet suitable people. Yet when presented with suitable people, there is always something wrong with them. They don’t believe these people are suitable. They are looking for someone better. These same people would (if I gave them the chance) spend hours sharing a very well rehearsed story, the same story each time, that they are simply looking for an equal and cant find anyone they consider an equal. That this man or this woman is not their equal and that this person has …. (fill in the blank) wrong with them. This person is so attached and stuck in their victim story that I believe I will be hearing the same story from them in ten years time. Sadly I have already heard the same story told to me from the same people 3 or even 4 years apart. These people have wasted 4 years by being so attached to their victim story that they are continuing setting themself up to prove themself right. Their story protects them from having to look in the mirror and see what is truly there.

OK so it is hard to look in the mirror and identify something about yourself that is displeasing. It can be painful and very frightening owning something negative about yourself. Yet, this is one of the most important steps you can take to start to experience a different outcome. By looking in the mirror and considering what could be done differently, you are on your way to achieving what you have never achieved before.

It could be that you have unrealistic expectations of a fantasy person who does not exist. If you don’t change this thinking, you will be single forever (which is fine if this is what you want). It could be you need to deal with ageism where you find it difficult to be attracted to someone your own age and so desiring to meet a partner 15 or 20 years younger is making it extremely difficult to find happiness. Or you need to look at what you truly are bringing to the table in a potential relationship where you believe you are such a great prize that everyone should want to have you as a partner and yet the reality is you are not in demand. It could be that you are not projecting a warm connective energy that has others feeling safe in your company therefore blocking the chance of engaging with new and interesting people. It could be that you are projecting only a sexual energy that is not enabling you to have a heartfelt connection with another. It could be that you are feeling unlovable or unworthy and so you are demonstrating self sabotaging behaviour that proves you right and unlovable therefore denying you the chance to have a relationship. It could be that you are protecting your heart from being hurt again and so you are projecting out an arrogance and hardness that only attracts the game players to you and again denies you the chance to connect successfully with another. It could be your fear of failure that has you only see unsuitable partners to protect you from finding someone suitable and then having the relationship fail. It could be that you are seeing only those who you believe are beneath you socially as you desire a partner to validate your social success to the world. It could be that you are looking for a partner to make you feel complete when what is missing is you giving yourself the love you need to complete yourself as no-one will ever be able to complete you, only you complete you.

There are so many reasons to stop and look in the mirror. We all have so much to learn about our self and it is often through relationships or lack of relationships that we learn the most valuable and helpful stuff to make us happy. Start by being brave and being honest with yourself. If you cant own your own stuff then any relationship you have is going to be one that is destined to have a lot of problems in it.

Be brave, look at the person in the mirror. Own what is potentially not working for you. Take the time to reframe your thinking. Step into the now realising that the past is the past and does not need to be the future. If you change your thinking, you change your energy. If you change your energy your change how the world sees you. If you change how the world sees you, you change what is attracted to you. If you change what is attracted to you, you get a different result. Bingo! It’s no longer ground hog day.

Enjoy this day as the unique moment it is. Make the change to enable you to create the day your desire. One that is different from yesterday.

Yours in love

Jane, Social 8 Adelaide

Be wary of someone who immediately calls you their soul-mate

‘Be wary of someone who immediately calls you their soul-mate, who comes on like a bulldozer, who makes jokes about the two of you moving in together immediately or who wants you to meet their mother before you have slept together. This is usually a recipe for a crash and burn situation’  from the book, diary of a modern day matchmaker.

It is common to hear stories like this. This is the person who loves to fall in love. Who loves the validation of having someone new in their life. Who loves the idea of being in love. Who loves the idea of having a long term relationship. They place all their energy into the initial part of the relationship and yet find disappointment soon after the initial infatuation stage has worn off.

Look for the early signs of being too intense. If you like this person, then encourage things to go slower, to take your time to get to know each other. Resist the urge to buy into the excitement of meeting someone who is really into you and tread carefully and slowly with this type of situation. You don’t want to go in heart first and find it is broken before the season is out. Keep yourself busy with the things that bring you joy into your life during this time. Don’t be too available or you may find yourself being drawn into the drama of this scenario. By keeping busy with other commitments and activities, you wont be as readily available to commit time to this person ensuring that space and time are in place to give each of you processing time. The chances are, if you don’t buy into their drama of having a full-on fast quickly committed relationship they will do one of two things. Either they will learn to take things slow and really get to know you for who you are or they will move on to find another more willing participant in their drama story.

And in the meantime, you have learnt more about how to identify a healthy potential partner and can feel confident knowing you are heading in the right direction.

Yours in love, Jane, Social 8, Adelaide

Help getting women to want to give you their phone number

It is not uncommon for women to give men their phone number to then not answer the mans call. This can stem from many women being people pleasers. A state where they are not wanting to hurt anyone’s feelings and also not wanting to be disliked in the moment. However when time passes and the expected phone call comes in, the woman may not be interested in speaking to you and she doesn’t know how to politely tell you she isn’t interested.

Sometimes the asking of a phone number can be a bit premature for women. Many women like time to process how they feel about someone before making a commitment to seeing you again. Particularly if you have met at a busy pub or club and not had a relaxed or easy way of chatting during this time.

My suggestion here for men is to take time during this initial meeting to find some common ground. Find out something you have in common such as both loving Japanese food or both enjoying playing tennis or both spending time in art galleries. As you discuss your common interest, suggest to her that you know the best Japanese restaurant and would like to take her there. Or suggest you know a great tennis court that is easy to book for weekends. Or suggest you have heard of a new exhibition opening you may enjoy both seeing. As you engage her in something that interests her, now is the time to ask for her phone number. Ask simply for her number so you can let her know about the restaurant, the tennis club or art exhibition. Then spend the next day or two researching this to find the best Japanese restaurant, the great tennis club or the newest art exhibition.

Now you have a concrete reason to call her and ask if she would like to join you at this activity. She also knows what to expect so the potential fear of the unknown is removed. She will be comfortable knowing she is in a territory of not only interest to her but will be within her comfort zone.

Be genuine in finding common ground. Don’t say you love Japanese if you have never had it or don’t like it. Don’t pretend to be an art lover if you aren’t and certainly don’t try to play tennis if you can’t. Honesty is a crucial element to most people’s selection criteria of someone they may wish to date. So take the time to find genuine common ground which will go a long way to ensuring you both feel comfortable on this first date. Something that is crucial to helping secure a second date, and a third date etc.

By finding common ground you are not simply saying to someone who you have just met, I kind of like you so can I have your number. This is a much more mature way to secure a girls number and greatly increases your chance that she will take your call when you ring.

Enjoy dating with greater connection, greater relaxation and greater fun.

Yours in love, Jane, Social 8

Second Chances

The old saying ‘you wont get a second chance’ is so often not accurate. When a situation arises that has an opportunity ending perhaps for some prematurely, it can appear that you have ‘blown it’. Yet time and time again, a similar opportunity presents itself giving you the opportunity to see if you have grown and how the opportunity will be taken this time. Second chances are exciting. They give a valuable opportunity to see if you can do it different, better, with more love this time around.

Facing your fear is important with second opportunities. It is a valuable time to look at what could be done better. Hopefully if enough time has past, you will have acknowledged the gift from the situation the first time so you can embrace this gift. By doing so will step you into your authentic power enabling you to be the person you perhaps wanted to be the first time around. A second opportunity is a time to look at and acknowledge how different you are today from last time. It is realising that while the opportunity may appear similar, everyone and thing involved is actually different which really means that the outcome is highly likely to be different this time around. No two situations are identical yet the desired opportunity and outcome can be the same.

By realising that each opportunity is a fresh and new opportunity and by not placing the expectation of past fears or failures onto this opportunity will help you go a long way to obtaining a different result. Hopefully one that pleases you and brings you great joy and happiness. Watch for the ego remembering the past hurt or pain from the past situation. Your ego will be quick to protect you from repeating this hurt and may attempt to sabotage your chances of success this time around. That little voice in your head or the automatic reactions that are coming from the past memory of this similar situation need to be addressed to ensure you don’t experience the same outcome.

If you find the voice in your head undermining your sense of self worth at this time write a list of how you are different now. Remind yourself of the skills and experience you have since acquired that place you in a different position in the now. Or if you find the memory of the past painful, take one final visit down memory lane to look at why it is still hurting. Search hard for the gift in the learning that perhaps you have yet to embrace. It could be that the past gift was one of neediness that now has been removed and replaced with wholeness. Or it could be one of pleasing others which has been replaced now with pleasing yourself. Or it could be one of deserving which has been replaced with desiring. Or it could be one of validation which has been replaced with completeness. There are so many gifts to be found in each and every situation. Once you embrace the learning, the gift, you are well on your way to experiencing a whole different scenario this time around.

Grab every second chance you get (yes the third and the forth chance come too) knowing that you are a different person in a different situation that is reflecting some past experience to you and giving you a welcome and valuable chance to embrace life and all it has to offer. And let’s face it, if your worst fear does play out, the fear of being hurt again or not succeeding to your expectations, learn from it, grab the gift and feel confident that a third or fourth chance will come along again. And the next time, you once again can work on growing knowing the experience is a unique one that is just for you to experience in the now.

Grow in confidence and achieve all that your heart desires.

yours in love, Jane, Social 8 Adelaide

Something bugging you?

We all have moments where something bothers us more than at other times. It could be the actions of another, an old fear coming up to play, having to face the unexpected or any number of things. When something bothers you ask yourself if it is possible to detach from it. From the situation or the outcome of the fear of the future. Could you simply just let it go?

All suffering comes from attachment: “if only….he/she loved me….I had more money…i looked different….my family were another way….i had gone to school….i received more approval…..i got what i wanted.” (excerpt from Soul Lessons and Soul Purpose)

Detachment is a very powerful tool to instantly make yourself feel better. Try it simply by acknowledging the thought process you are having, then out loud say the word ‘detach’. The chances are just by saying this word you will feel a whole lot better. If the same thought process creeps in again, then repeat the action ‘detach’.

So often we are attached to things or moments or situations that we do not need to be attached to. This is a habit that has formed and can be broken. Examine if you really need to care about the situation? Could you detach from the situation? And does it feel better?

Another way to feel how attached you are to objects, situations and moments is by holding a physical object just as a rock or shoe.  Hold onto it as tightly as you can. Then let go of it. Feel the feeling of detachment? It is so freeing. Now do the same thing with your thoughts. Detach. It is freedom made so easy.

Have a divine day detaching and enjoying the resulting peace

Yours in love, Jane, Social 8 Adelaide

The journey of someone who has been widowed

One of the saddest and hardest journeys I see is that of the young person who has been widowed. I meet people often who have unexpectedly found themself single through the passing of a partner. Not only are they facing the grief of losing someone they dearly love, they are also left with the unexpected realisation that they are now walking their time on earth as a single person.

The thought of meeting new people without their life partner next to them is painful and difficult. The social invitations from friends often to dinners are met with that empty seat once occupied by their loved partner. And the emptiness of home life once full of co-habitation is painful and lonely. So the desire to perhaps consider meeting someone starts to be born. The desire to meet new people who will meet them as they are today and while beautiful friends are well meaning, these new potential friends wont be asking ‘how are you going’ every time they see you. So a fresh beginning seems ever so gently desirable.

And so I meet these beautiful people who have lived a much more challenging life than they had hoped for. And for these gentle souls it is baby steps. Baby steps to present themself to other single people. Baby steps to hold their energy at a social gathering without their partner. And baby steps engaging in conversations that are based in the now, not the past. So they start to leave their loved one now and this is mixed with both sadness and a tiny bit of hope for a better tomorrow. For them it is always bitter sweet.

For those in this situation, the thought of simply socialising again as a single person is enough without the visualising or thoughts of even being in the presence of someone of the opposite gender that isn’t their wife or husband. The thoughts of kissing another man or women brings them to tears. And yet the desire to connect with another, the desire to be loved physically and emotionally again, the desire to love and care for another helps those in this situation to be some of the bravest people I have ever met in this world.

It is my privilege to be helping people in this situation to attend our dinners. I understand the fear of bursting into tears upon seeing strangers at an event is real for them. At any given moment, it all could be just too much to bare and yet bare it they do. I honour those of you in this situation. You are brave and heart centred beautiful people who are so deserving of someone special coming into your life.

If you are single and potentially dating a widowed person, please give them all the love, kindness and support you can. Stay in your adult power to support them as they make this difficult transition in life. And I guarantee you, what you give them will be returned to you ten times over in kindness, warmth, and genuine appreciation.

Our loved ones never really leave us. They have the ability to be with us more than ever when they are on the other side. Yet the pain of losing physical contact is so gut wrenching. Yet the desire to engage in love is always with us. I wish those of you in this situation my heartfelt best wishes and support in your journey. May each of you find the peace and love your desire and the support and compassion from all whose paths you cross.

And to those of you with partners here in this physical world, take a moment to share your love for them right here in the now. None of us every knows what tomorrow shall bring.

Yours in love

 Jane, Social 8 Adelaide