What is the best quality to bring to a relationship?

My all time, number one belief of what really is THE BEST quality to bring to a relationships is… drum roll please…. the ability to be able to ‘own your own stuff’!!!!  By this I mean acknowledging within any relationship that everything that happens to you is about you. This stops the blame game! It also prevents falling into the victim role and enables relationships to be authentic, conscious and non reactionary.

If this is a new concept to you, one way to start to ‘own your stuff’ is to choose what you focus on. If you find you are focusing on something negative and find that your buttons are being pushed take some time to work out why your button is being pushed. It could be that you are reacting to something that has not been healed from your past. It could be a regular pattern on the same topic that requires you to own it, explore it, change it and/or heal it.

Buttons being pushed is another expression for having emotional reactions that seem at the time to be incontrollable. They are instant gauges to you that something is hitting a raw nerve.

By taking the time to see what buttons are being pushed and by taking the time to really own these buttons as being yours, you are bringing authenticity into your relationships. You are conscious of your relationship issues and working towards a more peaceful and harmonious life together.

Any buttons being pushed are unique to you and are based on your past experiences. It is not your partner’s responsibility for your buttons. Sure, they can be considerate of your raw nerves however how you react and how you heal is your responsibility. By taking the time to heal your past and reduce the number of buttons being pushed will result in a much more peaceful, harmonious and loving relationship.

And if you need  with healing your reactions, please contact me to arrange for some coaching. Setting yourself free of automatic reactions, having the ability to own your own stuff, explore it and heal it is so very, very freeing. Go on, get onto the band wagon of true authentic freedom. Only you can do it. Decide today, once and for all to own your stuff, make the change and be exactly who you are to be. A beautiful, happy, loving, kind, fabulous, gentle, powerful and dynamic you.

Yours in love, Jane

www.janesloveshack.com.au

Recovering from a painful memory

I have had a lovely lady ask me the following question… ‘I am still hurt from my past and can’t let it go. How do I let it go? How do I get over my past?’

First off, big hugs and kudos to you for asking the question! I want to say that I don’t have all the answers however here are some suggestions.

Take one finally visit down memory lane, even though it is painful and brings the remembered vibration back, it is important to do this one final time. However this time, look very closely at the situation and own what part of it you played. No blaming anyone else here. No victim story or poor me story… Just the pure honest thoughts of what did I do to contribute to this situation. It is time to be brutally honest with yourself. If you look hard enough you will find the part you played. Usually this is a behaviour or trait within ourself that we dislike and don’t wish to own. Once you have identified the behaviour and owned it as yours, it is time to learn to love that part of yourself.

You can do this by writing a list of all the negative ways this behaviour has played out in the past. We then can write a list of all the positive ways this behaviour has played out in our life for the better. By recognising that there is a positive in every ‘percieved’ negative behaviour or emotion we may have, is the way to loving all the parts of us. It is the way to bring the shadow side of our personality out from the basement and love that part of us too.

Please remember here too that we are and have been all things. Everyone can be obnoxious, or needy or controlling, or antagonistic or opinionated or mean or agressive or hostile or weak or ….. fill in the blank. So there is no negative judgement on you for owning something that you dislike about yourself.

As you work on this, you will find that the gift of this painful experience has now taught you a lot more about you and helped you to love that part of yourself. The more you work on this, the easier the memory will be to relive as now the past has been a gift. The gift of having you know and love yourself more. You can then ultimately be grateful for the experience.

I hope this helps and send you love to help you to take this important step in seeking greater love and happiness in your life.

 yours in love, Jane, Social 8 Adelaide

Dating tips

Here are some dating tips I have shared with clients in the last few days. I hope you find them useful!

Create healthy boundaries for yourself. If you are newly single after a long term relationship, put the brakes on having intimate relationships. Recognise you are vulnerable at this time to receiving love from the first person you meet who most likely will not be a healthy choice for a long term successful relationship…. Instead give yourself permission to have fun without vulnerability. Date all who you desire however dont step into intimacy too soon.

To conquer a fear is the beginning of wisdom. Fear is felt often in relationships and when dating. Face your fears, confront them, tackle them, conquer them and reap the rewards!
‎’People lie on average three times in the first ten minutes when trying to get to know each other’. Dr. Phil. If you want an honest partner, be honest. Be impeccable with your word always

Are you screening potential dates so harshly that no-one can get to you? Be clever in your screening. Screen only those who don’t demonstrate the true qualities you are desiring. And if they do demonstrate them, then give them a chance

When newly single, it is great to get out and start to socialise again, however be cautious of dating too soon. Many fall into another long term relationship soon after ending the last one and often with someone who is the complete opposite of their past partner. This is the cleansing relationship.

If you desire a special partner in your life, make the space for them to come into it. Being busy, busy, busy, can easily put off a potential new partner by believing you won’t have time for them.

Dating someone new? A few tips: stay on neutral topics (no sex, politics, religion, money & exes). Men: keep it light, fun, cheeky even. Don’t go serious to impress her. Fun WILL work for you! Women: Go for warmth, warmth, warmth, he knows you’re smart & successful so don’t prove it to them. Let down that hard protecti…ve coating. Stop protecting yourself through this hard layer which is impenetrable for men.HAVE FUN

There are no guarantees in relationships. If you have met someone terrific and in the early stages of dating, don’t seek a reassurance of the future from this person, no matter how into them you are. Enjoy it for what it is for now, one step at a time!

Enjoy your day today bringing into your life that which your heart desires.
Yours in love,
Jane, Social 8 Adelaide

Ground Hog Day

Is every day the same for you? Are you single and desiring love in your life, yet every day you see the same types of people? Do you experience the same conversation only with different people? Do you have the same disappointing outcome each time you socialise? Are you repeatedly asking ‘where are all the good ones hiding?’. If this is you, then I encourage you to make a change.

All too often I hear this story. People telling me it isn’t them that is the problem but the lack of opportunities to meet suitable people. Yet when presented with suitable people, there is always something wrong with them. They don’t believe these people are suitable. They are looking for someone better. These same people would (if I gave them the chance) spend hours sharing a very well rehearsed story, the same story each time, that they are simply looking for an equal and cant find anyone they consider an equal. That this man or this woman is not their equal and that this person has …. (fill in the blank) wrong with them. This person is so attached and stuck in their victim story that I believe I will be hearing the same story from them in ten years time. Sadly I have already heard the same story told to me from the same people 3 or even 4 years apart. These people have wasted 4 years by being so attached to their victim story that they are continuing setting themself up to prove themself right. Their story protects them from having to look in the mirror and see what is truly there.

OK so it is hard to look in the mirror and identify something about yourself that is displeasing. It can be painful and very frightening owning something negative about yourself. Yet, this is one of the most important steps you can take to start to experience a different outcome. By looking in the mirror and considering what could be done differently, you are on your way to achieving what you have never achieved before.

It could be that you have unrealistic expectations of a fantasy person who does not exist. If you don’t change this thinking, you will be single forever (which is fine if this is what you want). It could be you need to deal with ageism where you find it difficult to be attracted to someone your own age and so desiring to meet a partner 15 or 20 years younger is making it extremely difficult to find happiness. Or you need to look at what you truly are bringing to the table in a potential relationship where you believe you are such a great prize that everyone should want to have you as a partner and yet the reality is you are not in demand. It could be that you are not projecting a warm connective energy that has others feeling safe in your company therefore blocking the chance of engaging with new and interesting people. It could be that you are projecting only a sexual energy that is not enabling you to have a heartfelt connection with another. It could be that you are feeling unlovable or unworthy and so you are demonstrating self sabotaging behaviour that proves you right and unlovable therefore denying you the chance to have a relationship. It could be that you are protecting your heart from being hurt again and so you are projecting out an arrogance and hardness that only attracts the game players to you and again denies you the chance to connect successfully with another. It could be your fear of failure that has you only see unsuitable partners to protect you from finding someone suitable and then having the relationship fail. It could be that you are seeing only those who you believe are beneath you socially as you desire a partner to validate your social success to the world. It could be that you are looking for a partner to make you feel complete when what is missing is you giving yourself the love you need to complete yourself as no-one will ever be able to complete you, only you complete you.

There are so many reasons to stop and look in the mirror. We all have so much to learn about our self and it is often through relationships or lack of relationships that we learn the most valuable and helpful stuff to make us happy. Start by being brave and being honest with yourself. If you cant own your own stuff then any relationship you have is going to be one that is destined to have a lot of problems in it.

Be brave, look at the person in the mirror. Own what is potentially not working for you. Take the time to reframe your thinking. Step into the now realising that the past is the past and does not need to be the future. If you change your thinking, you change your energy. If you change your energy your change how the world sees you. If you change how the world sees you, you change what is attracted to you. If you change what is attracted to you, you get a different result. Bingo! It’s no longer ground hog day.

Enjoy this day as the unique moment it is. Make the change to enable you to create the day your desire. One that is different from yesterday.

Yours in love

Jane, Social 8 Adelaide

All bad behaviour stems from a lack of love

Here is another excerpt from my book, Thoughts on love, life and all that jazz.

All bad behaviour stems from a lack of love
I truly believe that when someone behaves in a way that doesn’t please you, it is due to them feeling a lack of love. Be it love for self or love from others. Take a moment to assess each situation individually. As you focus on this scenario, ask yourself how this person could be feeling. Could they potentially be feeling disconnected from love? Could their behaviour be a cry to be noticed, to be validated, to be appreciated, to be loved? If so, could you reach into your heart and find a way to express your compassion, your understanding, your consideration, your love to them? How will this make you feel? Will it make you feel violated, taken for granted, used, abused. Is this then teaching you that you too are not feeling love from them? Could you be the one to start the change? Could you start to reach for a better feeling thought about this person? If so could this then result in you sending them a better feeling and potentially have them change their behaviour to you?

When we feel safe, when we feel secure, when we feel loved we are able to be the divine people we are meant to be. By sending your love you are also reaching for the higher you enabling you to not feel disconnected. You will gain the results from this situation if for no other reason than you yourself will be feeling better about it.

Take a moment to really ask yourself in each situation if love could solve this. It could be a situation with a work colleague, an employee, a client, a child, a partner, a friend, a neighbour or even a stranger. Love is the always the answer.

Let it go! An excerpt from Jane’s book, ‘Thoughts on love, life and all that Jazz

So someone is annoying you? Or someone is making you feel less than your best? Or someone is intimidating you? Or someone is manipulating you? Or someone is making you feel angry? Just let it go.

This simple tool can be difficult to master however when it is put into practice, really is so very freeing. What if you told your mind to let it go each time a negative thought came into your consciousness? What if you really did just let go of that thought process? By removing the awareness of that thought you are reducing the power of that person to have this emotional hold over you.

As I was reminded last night, it really is that simple. By just letting it go, you are placing yourself instantly in a happier place. Start by becoming aware of your thoughts regarding this particular person or situation. Each time you are aware of the thought, say ‘let it go’. Then focus your thoughts on something else. Preferably something that brings you joy. It could be simply the sensation of having this problem not in your mind that makes you feel free. Or it could be by focusing on a favourite person or place or situation that brings you joy. The very next time the same thought pops into your mind, do the same thing, say again to yourself ‘let it go’. Keep going until the thought is no longer popping into your mind. You may need to do it 3 or 4 times or even 20 or 30 times. It doesn’t matter how often you need to do it, with practice it will become less often. And each time, the result is instant. You will be feeling slightly better. And that’s a great very fast result.

Have a play with this tool today. Each of us is faced with negative thought processes each day so take the time to let it go. Give this tool a test and if you wish, please share with us how it went for you today.

To download instantly the book ‘Thoughts on love, life and all that jazz’, visit www.janesloveshack.com.au

 Yours in love

Jane, Social 8 Adelaide

<Photo 1>

Are you a princess in denial?

Ok I have a lot to say today. For many girls I meet desiring to have a loving partner, it is time to wake up! The princess syndrome is killing some girls chances of meeting a partner. No-one is good enough for her. Everyone she meets has something wrong with them even though they seem nice. When questioned on someone’s suitability to her, she gives reasons of, I just didn’t click with him. I want someone more warm. So she is given the chance to meet some ‘warm’ guys, but she doesn’t find them attractive. So she is given someone who is warm and attractive, but their not successful enough for her. So she is presented with someone warm, attractive, successful but he is just too nice and she wants someone with more spark.

OK this girl wants the looks of Brad Pritt, the sex appeal of George Clooney, the social network of Prince Charles and the financial means of Donald Trump. He is to be a tiger in both the board room and the bedroom. He is to cuddle her and make her soup when she is unwell. He is to understand her hormonal challenges and love and understand her on those bad days. He is to love each of her friends and family and to challenge her intellect. He must also share all her interests and hobbies with her. Hot desire must be in his eyes as he looks at her each and every moment they are together. Wake up please…. HE DOESN’T EXIST! And even if he did, I suspect he would have something wrong with him anyway (well in her eyes).

She believes she deserves so much more and isn’t going to settle for anything less. She cries herself to sleep at night because ‘the one’ hasn’t shown up. Come the morning, once more it is everyone else’s fault that she can’t find someone nice. There are just no nice guys around is her common cry! And slowly she starts to protect herself from the constant parade of unsuitables in front of her. She starts to play the blame game. It’s not me, its everyone else that’s not right. And yet, is she the looks of Angelina? Does she have the fun girl next door appeal of Cameran Diaz? Is she Mother Teresa in the compassion stakes. And does she have the sexiness of a Victoria Secret model? Of course not!

This girl is deserving not desiring. And the saddest thing of all is if she doesn’t change her thinking. She will eventually build up such a hard shell around her heart that it will be nearly impenetrable in time. She will become a brittle, angry, hard woman projection hostile and protective energy and behaviour around her that no-one will be interested in her anyway. She has become someone no-one will find attractive.

If this is you, please consider what will make you happy in a partner. Take out that 50 point check list you have on the ideal person. Yes, I know you have that list written somewhere. Now look at each point individually and ask yourself ‘will this make me happy’. Does a man who is 6′ tall make you happy? NO. If he ends up being that tall, that is a bonus. But many 5’7″ guys will make you happy. Does someone who has lots of money make you happy? No that is the bonus. What makes people happy is different for each person. Most will have 2 or 3 or maybe even 4 (princess’ will have 4) not negotiables. They are usually along the lines of MUST BE kind or generous or want children or be financially secure or truly confident in themselves or have passion for life or trustworthy or honest or have integrity or be spiritual or respect for physical health or be emotionally balanced or be intellectually stimulating or gentle or compassionate.

These are the not negotiables that should be your list. 2, 3 or 4 things. This is what will make you happy. It is time for you to negotiate your lists. If you need help being convinced to do this. Let’s start with height. So 80% of women ask for a man who is 6′ of taller. 15% of the male population are 6′ or taller. If you are asking for this and WONT negotiate your list, then the chances are that you will fall into the 65% of women who will be single for ever. Do the maths. So when you next say, I’m not settling, I sincerely hope you mean that as the chances of you being single forever are now very high. It is fine if you desire all these things, are not prepared to negotiate and are happy being single. However don’t then cry yourself to sleep if he doesn’t appear. Don’t tell me or someone else you really want a partner because your actions are saying you don’t.

Don’t be in denial. If this post is making you angry, then the chances are, you are becoming or already are a princess. So rather than get angry at me for telling you, you can’t have it all (because it doesn’t exist), get angry – just for a moment – at yourself. Own you behaviour. You cant change what you don’t own. And before I get bombarded with emails telling me, men can be like this too. Yes they can, however that is a topic for another day. Don’t blame the men. Start with you. Change you and get a different result. One that you could potentially be happy with for a long long time. Look at these lists, work out your not negotiables. Now try dating men who you wouldn’t normally date. If they are potentially demonstrating your needs (not your wants), then they are worthy of a date to explore where this could lead. Many happily married people will tell you that their partner was not the type they usually dated. When someone at Social 8 swaps numbers with someone who they wouldn’t normally do so … we get very excited. It is when you have the courage to make change, to do something different that you are most likely to get something different. At the least a new experience rather than have ground hog day happening. And at the most, finally, someone wonderful and different who is just right for you.

Take the blinkers off. Own your deserving behaviour. Get a realistic look at what will make you happy. Now go after that dating everyone who potentially meets your needs. And have fun doing it. Now you should be seeing loads of potentially suitable men for you to be dating. Date six at once (not intimately mind you!) and in amongst all this fun with loads of different types of men, you just might find ‘the one’. He will slowly grow on you are you realise he is meeting your true needs, not your external validation of your worth. This is the one to make you happy. And if he gets you and makes you happy, what more do you want? Hopefully nothing.

Being a retired princess will bring you much greater joy in your life.

Yours in love Jane (thankfully a retired princess of 16 years). Social 8, Adelaide